I’m not the only one
by mrandmrsspecter
Summary: „Who are you?“ Donna sent her a confused, but expectant gaze. She is Donna, she knows everything, but this time she had no idea who was standing in front of her. „Ohh, I‘m sorry for not introducing myself, I’m Kate Specter.“
1. Ghosting

_A/N: So this story is kind of set in Jessica's Spin-off and takes place around season 8a._

 _Donna knows everything about Harvey but what if Harvey kept something from her for all those years?_

 _She wouldn't have known because Harvey Specter is the greatest bachelor in the world?_

 _Because he always struggled with having real relationships?_

 _Because you can't picture him settling down?_

 _After naming Harvey's fictional wife Kate I remembered that Harvey's sister in-law is called Katie haha._

 _But I didn't want to change her name again because I think Kate goes so well with Specter._

Chapter 1: Ghosting

The Four-Inch Louboutins made their way through the glass door of the Chicago Midway Hospital. Turning around in the lobby she searched for the reception until her eyes stopped at the long white reception desk. Walking over to a kind looking woman with blond hair she put her hands on the desk and stroked a dark brown strand from her face.

The young woman looked up and asked „Ms. Pearson?" Jessica smiled and the woman took it as a yes and went on talking „The Chief of Surgery is waiting for you in his office. It's on the 3rd floor, near the elevators, so I'm sure you will find it" The woman started talking faster and Jessica recognized that she seems a little bit nervous „if you don't find it then just ask someone on the hallway, a nurse or a doctor, they are all very helpful" she took a deep breath before sending a sweet look to Jessica and pointing to the elevators on the right. „Thank you" Jessica searched for a nameplate hospital outfit. „Isabella." she continued and gave the woman one last smile.

Jessica walked straight ahead to the elevators and pushed the button. The doors opened and she stepped in. Her black dress fitting her perfectly as she turned around to face the closing elevator doors.

Arriving on the 3rd floor she stepped out of the elevator area and focused on the glass doors on the right. Walking through the hallway like it's her runway she finally made her way to the chief's office.

The Head of the Medical Centre was watching her since she got off the elevator. The middle-aged man was siting in his chair going through a lot of paperwork and organizing the surgery plan for the afternoon.

„Mr. Warburton?" Jessica leaned on the glass door and crossed the black Louboutin's.

„Ms. Pearson, I'm glad to meet you." Liam Warburton, Chief of Surgery in the Chicago Midway Hospital, stood up and offered Jessica his hand.

She put her red Hermés bag on the chair next to her and took a seat after shaking his hand.

„I think you know, that I'm Alderman of this district now, and they told me to talk to you about some organization things." Jessica said with a friendly but confident smile on her face.

They had a very interesting conversation about certain topics like the education of the interns from different universities, or the competition against other hospitals and of course some financial things.

Leaving his office with a powerful and satisfied expression, Jessica went to the reception on the 3rd floor to make another appointment with the chief. She asked the receptionist for an appointment for next week while quite a few surgeons came out of their surgery at the end of the hallway. An intern was running from the opposite direction towards one of the female surgeons in the crowd: „Dr. Specter we got a bullet wound on a 5-year-old. The carotid artery is hurt and we need to operate right now!" Jessica's expression changed. She turned around to face the woman who started running straight ahead to the intern. Everything seemed to be in slow motion now. Long brown waves fell over the dark blue hospital outfit the woman was wearing. Her blue eyes focused on the intern while giving advices to the other doctors and interns. For Jessica it was like the world was spinning around her for a minute. Memories of her old firm, her family, her hometown were running through her mind while her eyes never left the woman.

The two words repeated on her mind in loop.

 _Dr. Specter_

 _Dr. Specter_

 _Dr. Specter_

Specter is not a typical last name, but for sure there will be another person on the planet who got that last name and it doesn't have to mean anything, it's just a coincidence.

But she couldn't help herself.

The words on her mind stopped repeating.

The new sentence on her mind was ‚ _Harvey never told me._ ' Her stomach turned.

She didn't want to think _this_ way because there are a thousand other possibilities to explain that situation. To explain that last name. But a feeling in her stomach told her that this isn't a coincidence. And that there is a connection to her former partner...

Her hand slipped down the reception desk. „Ms. Pearson did you hear what I just said?" the woman at the reception asked. She pulled her out of her thoughts and Jessica turned around again. She tried to hide the confusion in her expression when she started talking „I think I won't have time next week... maybe I will make an appointment on the phone when I know more details about my other appointments for next week."

She sent a superficial smile to the woman and started leaving the reception.

It took her a few seconds to realize the fact that there is woman with Harvey's last name living in this city.

She turned around because she knew the thoughts won't leave her mind until she knows that this doesn't mean anything. Her dark brown eyes focused on the receptionist again.

„Can you tell me where the surgery plan for today is?" she talked faster and more serious than expected. The woman looked confused at first, but gave her a friendly answer „On the 2nd floor in opposite of the reception area". Her gaze met Jessica's eyes. You saw a scenario even a Jessica Pearson wasn't able to cover.

„Okay, thank you". She was already about to turn around and headed to the elevators before she finished that sentence.

On the hallway of the 2nd floor everything seemed like it's on slow motion again. Her heels touching the floor in big steps. Her eyes focusing on the white board on the wall next to her.

Arriving in front of the big white board she started understanding the system of the chart.

She opened her bag and searched for her phone. Her background still showing the letters of Pearson Specter Litt. The one thing that used to mean everything to her.

4:30 pm. She looked on the chart again.

Time - 4:25 pm

Surgery room - 1

Head of surgery – Specter, K

Case - T. McBroom, bullet wounding

Her eyes read the line over and over again to check if it's the right one.

Specter. _S-P-E-C-T-E-R._ God damn.

and a _K._ A freaking _K._

She asked an intern who was standing next to her „Excuse me, can you tell me where surgery room 1 is?" The young man was a way smaller than Jessica and looked up to her with a respectful expression. „It's not allowed to wait in front of the surgery rooms, you can go to the waiting area on 1st floor until the surgery is finished or you can wait in the patient's room for your..." she cut him off with a serious gaze „I'm not waiting for a patient and you'd better tell me where this surgery room is or you won't see a surgery room from inside for a long time" her dark brown eyes never leaving his desperated face. „Turn left after you have passed the reception area and go down the hallway. Then follow the signs, I'm sure you will find it" he sent Jessica a nervous smile and tried to show the way with his fingers.

She turned around before he even finished his sentence. He watched the tall woman in her black dress passing the reception area. Every brown wave fell perfectly on her back and she carried her purse on her lower arm.

Every nurse passing the hallway watched her with a confused expression when she was standing in front of surgery room 1. Her gaze told them not to say a something but behind this serious expression, no words were able to describe her feelings right now. So many sentences crossed her mind at the same time.

 _Harvey never told me_

 _It's just a coincidence_

 _Another woman got Harvey's last name._

 _First names with K... Kimberly, Katherine, Khloe_

 _There will be a simple explanation for that situation_

 _The woman behind these doors has got the same last name like Harvey._

 _I know Harvey a way too long, he would've told me._

 _He would've told Donna._

 _He would've told Mike._

 _But what if he didn't._

 _I just need to know._

She took out her phone, it's already 6:45 pm. She scrolled down her recent calls and was only one touch away to call Harvey.

But she couldn't. If it's true, he would never admit it anyway.

She changed from her recent calls to her contacts and searched for Mike Ross.

She never in a million years thought that one day, she will be in a situation where she needs Mike's help. But this one here is different. It's personal. And if she has to make a list of the most important people in Harvey Specter's life, Mike would definitely be on the 2nd place. He knows Harvey. And the more important thing is: He knows when he lies.

Jessica does too, of course. But she can't handle this situation alone.

She locked her phone again.

She just doesn't know what to tell him.

„Hey Mike, I just met a woman who's first name starts with K and her last name is Specter. I'm waiting in front of a surgery room in the Chicago Midway Hospital for nearly 3 hours now, but hey it's just a coincidence. We both know this woman isn't going to be Harvey's..."

A harsh shiver went down her back.

She knows exactly what the last 3 hours were about, but this was the first time her mind said it for real.

Her head fell back and leaned on the wall.

Another hour passed by and even Jessica Pearson can get tired of spending 4 hours in Four-Inch heels leaning on the wall.


	2. Why try

Chapter 2: Why try

Suddenly the doors of the surgery room swung open. A crowd of attendings, nurses and interns came out. Behind the crowd you could see the preparation room with the sinks where the doctors get sterile before going into the surgery. For the 3rd time of the day, everything seemed to be in slow motion again.

The woman directly in front of her had her brown waved hair in a ponytail and was talking to an intern next to her. She searched something in the pocket of her hospital outfit.

Taking out a silver ring with a small bright shining diamond on it, she pushed the ring on her left ring finger when she turned around to face Jessica. Her deep blue eyes and her literally perfect eyebrows met Jessica's gaze. Jessica wanted her mind from stop thinking, but she couldn't help herself. She was sure now. It's not a coincidence.

„Can I help you? Family members are not allowed to wait in front of a surgery room."

She could tell that Jessica was afraid. But not because of the surgery of the 5-year-old boy she doesn't even know. But because she was talking to Mrs. Specter right now.

„The surgery was good. We had to stop Tristan's carotid artery from bleeding and it wasn't that easy because the bullet was still in his neck and we thought it was a better decision to not remove it because-..." Jessica cut her off. „Sorry, what's your name?" she expected to say this more trembling and insecure, but for some reason she was a way too excited for the answer. „Ohh, I'm sorry. I thought you know who I am. I'm Kate Specter, the head of cardiothoracic surgery" she offered Jessica her hand and sent her a smile. Jessica hesitated before giving her her hand. „I have to go to another patient right now, but I'm sure we will meet again when Tristan wakes up from the anesthesia"

Jessica watched the woman walking down the hallway until she turned to the right.

Surprisingly her mind was completel _y_ empty.

Meeting the woman, she was thinking about the past hours was so confusing that she wasn't even able to think about _something_.

Jessica left the hospital and felt a little bit guilty for her driver who waited in front of the hospital for literally 5 hours.

He opened the door for her and she got into the car.

When they were on the way to her apartment she knew that she can't talk to anyone about it when she is with Jeff, because he knows her old colleagues. She decided to not waste a second anymore and searched for her phone to call Mike. Her fingers were trembling a little bit and suddenly she didn't even now what she wanted to say. She wanted to scream ‚ _can you explain to me who the hell Kate Specter is?_ ' but she couldn't.

Mike starred at his phone, a little bit confused because of Jessica's name on his screen. He answered the phone and thought what this conversation could be about.

Scenario 1: Harvey screwed something up

Scenario 2: She wanted Rachel and him to come back because Harvey is desperated without his best friend

Scenario 3: She just wanted to say hello?

Okay no. Definitely no.

„Jessica, Hey. Is everything okay?"

Jessica smiled at the voice of her old associate. But her smile fade when she was thinking about the reason, why she called him...

„Hey, Mike. Yes, everything is doing great here in Chicago."

„I expected nothing else to hear, so why are you calling me?"

Jessica took a deep breath and her voice started trembling. „It's about Harvey"

„Ohh, I knew it. He screwed something up, did he?" mike started laughing because he knew his best friend too well.

Jessica started without thinking about it. „If he did, what I think he did, he screwed something up."

„Jessica, what's wrong?" the serious and kind of desperated tone of her voice told him that something is wrong. And something told him that it's not about work.

For some reason Jessica couldn't answer, because she had no idea where to start.

„Jessica is he okay?" Mike said serious too this time.

„Yeah, Mike he is fine. But I don't know if he is still fine when he knows what I just found out. And that's why I'm calling you."

„Jessica what are you talking about?" Mike said faster and in a confused tone.

„I just met Mrs. Specter some minutes ago."

„What did you just say? Who did you met?" Mike's expression changed into a more confusing look than before.

„Mrs. Specter." Jessica took a breath and leaned her forehead against her hand.

„Holy shit. Harvey and Donna got married without telling me or Rachel? No that's completely untypical. Rachel and Donna talk about everything. And I mean _everything_." He started talking faster and he smiled like a little child. „It's nearly impossible that Rachel didn't know about it. Or maybe she knows it and she hasn't told me? Is it public yet? I mean have they publish their relationship? How did you know? It's not fair you're living in a different city as well and you know it and we don't. I will beat his ass when I get to see him..." She cut him off because seeing Mike so happy about Donna and Harvey's not existing relationship breaks even Jessica Pearson's heart... but it's time to tell him.

„Mike, listen, I met Kate Specter. I had an appointment with the Chief of the Chicago Midway Hospital today. I heard an intern shouting Dr. Specter's name and then I waited in front of a surgery room for 4 hours." Mike was a way to confused to listen to Jessica at all. First, he had to realize that Donna and Harvey aren't married. Then, the name Jessica just said repeated on his mind. There is another woman with Harvey's last name. „When I started talking to her she took out a silver ring with a diamond and placed it on her ring finger." Jessica waited for Mike to answer but she felt that he didn't really know what to say. „Mike, I know it can be just a coincidence. But you know if I would think that way..." It was Mike's turn to cut her off. „...then you wouldn't be calling me" he said.

„Right." Jessica said in a quieter voice.

„So, what do you think?" Jessica didn't know if it was the right time to ask Mike about his opinion, but she knows that in such a situation there won't be a right time.

„It's not a coincidence. And before you ask, yes, I'm sure." Mike's lips formed into a thin line when he thought about the answer he just gave to Jessica.

„Jessica, I don't know what you think about this, but I can guarantee, nothing in Harvey Specter's life is a coincidence. Everything happens for a reason." Mike's expression seemed sad and a little bit desperated. But also determined.

„I think the same way. I have this certain feeling since the first second I heard the woman's name. I just didn't want to admit it to myself, I think." Jessica's looked down on her lap and she bit on her bottom lip. She stroked a dark brown strand behind her ear before looking up again.

„Are you going to ask him or should I do it?" Mike asked serious. He leaned back in his chair and watched the skyline of Seattle.

Just then Rachel came into the room „so I'm going to head home now because I just finished work. Do you want lasagna for dinner?" Mike turned his chair around to face his wife. His pensive expression told her that something is wrong.

„Mike, who are you talking to?" Jessica recognized Rachel's voice in the background. „You can tell her if you want to" Jessica said in a kind voice and with a small smile because she knew Mike is going to tell her anyway.

„Jessica." Mike said and his serious gaze found Rachel's confused face. „What's wrong?" her smile fade because of the serious vibe in Mike's office.

Mike focused on the window again, watching the skyline for a second.

„Jessica just found out about something. I will tell you everything later."

Rachel stepped towards him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. „I'm going home now. Everything is going to be okay..."

Mike sent her a little and superficial smile.

Jessica heard Rachel's steps when she was about to leave Mike's office.

„Okay, back to my ques-..." Jessica cut him off with a determined and confident answer. „I'm going to do it." she stopped talking for a second to let Mike process her answer. „I found out about it. And If it's not coincidence and he just knows the smallest thing about it, he would know that it's about my city, not yours."

Mike knows that she was right. But he still hopes that Harvey doesn't know a thing about it.

„Alright. Then let's see..." he pressed his lips in a thin line and his nervous gaze met the windows again. „Thanks for your help, Mike." Jessica said in a relieved and grateful tone of voice. She was about to end the conversation when Mike stopped her from taking the phone off her ear.

„Jessica." Mike said in a louder voice than he expected. „Promise me to make him tell the truth."

He said in a serious and pleading voice.

„I can promise you, he will say the truth." Jessica answered with a small smile on her face to calm him down a little bit, because she knows it's a very difficult situation for him too.

Mike heard that she ended the conversation and put his phone down on his desk. He leaned back in his chair facing the skyline to process the news he just got.

Jessica leaned her head against the window.

 _You two are as close as two people can be without being that_

She felt sorry for Donna. If it's true, then Harvey lied to everyone... but she has no idea how Donna should survive this news.

On the next day Jessica was on her way to get some work done when she asked her driver to get her to the Chicago Midway Hospital.

She has no idea if this turns out to be a good or a bad decision, but she really doesn't care.

She got off the car and her white 4-Inch Jimmy Choo's took her through the lobby of the hospital to the reception desk. She recognized the receptionist she talked to yesterday. „Isabella."

Jessica said with a friendly smile on her face. „Ms Pearson..." the young woman said a little bit confused. „I thought your appointment with the Chief is going to be next week?" Jessica bit on her bottom lip. „I'm not here for the chief, I'm here for a doctor." the blonde looked a little bit confused „I need you to tell me where Dr. Specter is." Jessica's eyes told the woman that it's kind of important. „do you have an appointment?"

„No I don't have an appointment. And it's not about my Job as an Alderman or something. It's personal." Jessica's pleading expression convinced the woman to tell her where she will find her. „Okay, Dr. Specter is in a surgery right now. The surgery started an hour ago and it's an easy intervention so she should be ready in half an hour. I'm not sure about the surgery room, but you can look it up on the surgery plan on the 2nd floor. You take the elevator and then it's in fro-..." Jessica cut her off. „I know where it is, I'm kind of familiar with it. Thank you." Jessica sent her a grateful smile.

Jessica stood in front of the surgery chart. ‚an hour ago...' she remembered. She checked her phone: 11:15.

Searching for a surgery that started at 10:15 she saw the name again. K. Specter. She saw the column with ‚ _Head of Surgery_ ' before she even had a chance to search for the time.

 _Surgery room 4._

She passed reception, turned left and walked the down the hallway. The red knee-long dress arrived in front of surgery room 4, when she let her hair fall on her back and leaned against the wall, just like the day before.

20 minutes later the doors of the surgery room swung open. This time, Jessica knows exactly who she was searching for. The woman had her brown hair in a bun today and her deep blue eyes searched for something in her pocket. Jessica knew exactly what comes next.

„Dr Specter?" Jessica said in a friendly tone to the woman.

„Should I get used to see you waiting out in front of my surgeries?" she said with a confused but friendly smile. „But Tristan is doing well, so why are you here?" she started wondering and her gaze met Jessica's.

„I'm not a family member of the little boy you operated yesterday...I'm"

„Come on are you serious? I'm not allowed to talk to you about those things, these were confidential information! Get out of my eyes, I don't talk to people who are not honest." Her disappointed and angry expression faced Jessica for a second before she turned around to walk down the hallway.

„Listen, I know you don't want to talk to me and I'm not here for any patient information."

„Then what do you think are you doing because this is a hospital and we usually talk about patients here!" She waited for an answer.

Jessica didn't really know where to start so she hesitated before answering but Kate stopped her, before she even started talking.

„If you don't have anything to say then maybe you should leave my work place now."

„Maybe you should tell me something about Harvey." These words left Jessica's lips before she could really think about it. She just had to know and she just had to know now. Her serious brown eyes met Kate's eyes. Kate turned around again and took a few steps towards Jessica.

In this moment, Jessica already knew the answer to her question. It's wasn't a coincidence. No matter what the woman is going to say.

„What?" Kate said in a confused tone, but something in her eyes told Jessica she knows exactly what she was talking about.

„Harvey Specter." Jessica said with a little smile on her face, because she knew she got her.

What the hell is she doing, this is not court. This god damn conversation is not about winning, it's about finding out the truth!

Her expression changed into a serious face, which told the woman that it would be better for her not to lie.

„I'm sorry I have no idea what you are talking about and I don't even know who you are. I got a surgery in 15 minutes and I have to prepare, I'm sorry." Her annoyed and frightened gaze found Jessica's again, before she started her second try to walk down the hallway.

„No, you won't run away from that conversation. I'm Jessica Pearson and I'm working for the Chicago City Council. I used to work as a lawyer in New York and Harvey Specter was my partner at Pearson Specter Litt." Kate stopped, but she didn't turn around to face Jessica. Her eyes closed for a second, but Jessica couldn't see it. „So is there anything else, you want to know about me, before you are going to tell me exactly who you are and why your freaking last name is Specter!" Jessica nearly shouted through the hallway. She has no idea why there came so much fury over her. She hasn't planned going through this conversation like this, but there was no other way. Her Jimmy Choo's took 3 steps towards Kate and her white Prada went from her lower arm into her hand.

Kate turned around. Her perfect brows and deep blue eyes facing Jessica again. She bit on her bottom lip, before her gaze found Jessica's expectant expression.

„Pearson Specter Litt. He has always been working until he got on the top..." her unbelievable gaze fell on the floor, smiling to herself before she turned around again.

This time, she made her way to the end of the hallway and turned right.


	3. Best mistake

Chapter 3: Best mistake

Jessica just stood there and couldn't believe what she just heard. Kate confirmed nothing. But she showed, she knew him. She knew him well. That was enough for Jessica.

She walked through the hospital fighting with her brain not to explode. Fury or Fear? She didn't know. Is she annoyed with him for not telling anyone or annoyed with her for existing. She had no idea. Treating the floor like it's her runway, everyone went out of her way. Her heels made their way to the elevators. Waiting for the doors to open she still has to fight with her brain. Getting into the elevator she was about to scream but luckily there were some interns in the elevator who stopped her because she didn't want to unsettle anyone. Throwing an annoyed gaze at the interns she got a respectful gaze back.

On her way home she faced the raindrops running down the window of the car. It's 1 pm so Jeff is definitely not home now. She wanted to get some work done today, but this situation with Harvey nearly takes her whole time now. She couldn't work either, so she texted Mike.

 _Pearson Specter Litt. He has always been working until he got on the top..._

She expected question marks as an answer, but Mike understood what she was talking about.

 _Congrats. We just found out that Harvey Specter is married_.

Arriving at her apartment she was determined to call Harvey now. She was only one touch away to ask him who the hell Kate Specter is.

She called him.

Harvey, Louis, Alex, Samantha, Katrina and Donna were out having lunch together. They talked about a recent case they won when Harvey's phone interrupted the conversation.

„Harvey you won't answer a call when we are talking about a successful case!" Katrina joked.

„Please, for Harvey this is a daily routine." Alex said giggling.

„Are you defending him? Oh my god he is not your dad." Louis laughed and got a warning gaze from Alex back.

„If these comments come up every time I'll get a phone call at lunch, I'm definitely in the wrong firm." Samantha said rolling her eyes.

Harvey started smiling when he saw Jessica's name on his screen. „Ohh, it's Jessica. Maybe she wants to hear how her children are doing." He faced Louis and started laughing. He looked to the other's „and maybe her grandchildren..." everyone started laughing even if they don't know Jessica.

„Hey mom" Harvey joked when he was answering the phone.

„Okay, that's adorable." Donna said smiling into the group of friends.

„Harvey." Jessica said serious. „Where are you? I thought you are in your office?" she said a little bit angry.

„Hey Jessica, it's okay." He smiled. „I'm just out to have lunch with the other's."

„Okay, then you can decide if you answer my question in front of all the other's or if I should call you again in 10 minutes when you are in your office."

„Jessica what's going on, are you okay?" his smile fade and his expression changed into a scared face.

„10 minutes, Harvey." Jessica said again in a tone of voice that let him no choice.

„What did she say? Is everything okay?" Donna asked in a serious tone and her expression went scared too.

„I think Harvey found out that Santa is not existing" Louis joked. He got a warning gaze from Donna and Samantha to shut the hell up.

Harvey stood up „everything is okay, I just need to get back to the firm, Jessica wants to know something about an old case and it's urgent. Enjoy your meal." Harvey nodded with a fake smile. Sending one last gaze to Donna before he left the table.

„He knows how to get the best disposals..." Alex whispered and Samantha sent him a killing gaze.

Everyone was quite now and just ate their food.

It's just a 5-minute walk from the restaurant to the firm so when Harvey arrived in his office he waited for Jessica's call.

2 minutes of thinking about what she wanted to know have passed and her name came up on his screen again.

„Jessica, what's going on." His gaze serious and expectable this time. „What do you want to know? Is it business or personal?"

„Personal." Jessica said as serious as before in the restaurant.

„Jessica you know everything about m-..."

Jessica cut him off and said in a loud tone „I know everything about you? Ohh, then tell me, why did I just met a person with your-„ she stopped talking. Her eyes closed and her gaze fell out of the windows of her apartment. She didn't want the conversation to be the same like the one she had with Kate.

She started again.

„Yesterday I had an appointment with the chief of the Chicago Midway Hospital" Harvey interrupted her „Jessica are you okay?" he asked concerned.

She just ignored his question and went on talking because it would explain her answer itself. „because the hospital belongs to the area that I'm an Alderman of. After my appointment I heard an intern shouting the name of a doctor because they had an emergency. And now you can think about an explanation, why the woman who has been called by the intern, got your last name." Jessica calmed down a little bit because half of the story is out know. But the important part is missing. Harvey should be able to count two and two together now.

„Jessica I have no idea what you are talking about." Harvey's sat down on his chair facing New York's skyline.

„You want to tell me that you have no idea what I'm talking about?"

„Yes, Jessica. That's exactly what I told you one second ago. So can you please tell me what the hell is this conversation about?"

„You want to know what this conversation is about?" Jessica nearly shouted. „this conversation is about the head of surgery in the Chicago Midway Hospital whose name is coincidentally Kate Specter. And you'd better get your ass on the plane tomorrow because I know you won't lie to my face."

She ended the conversation and put her phone on the table in front of her couch. She fell on her couch and put her head into her hands.

Harvey's phone slid through his hands and met the carpet.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaned his head back against his chair.

He never in a million years thought that he has to deal with that name ever again.

 _It can destroy everything_.

Harvey called Ray, grabbed his jacket and a random file. It has to look like this is about business.

He rushed to the elevators trying to hide his still shocked expression. In his eyes you could see that he has no idea what to do right now and behind his fake smile you saw that he knows it´s time to tell the truth...

He begged that the other's haven't finished their lunch yet so no one would see him leaving.

Luckily the elevator was empty and when he got off the elevator in the lobby he saw no one from Zane Specter Litt too.

He started walking faster until he arrived at the doors of his black Lexus. A last gaze fell on the people surrounding him right now, because he had to make sure that no one saw him.

„Where are we going to, Mr Specter?"

Harvey got goose bumps when he heard his own last name. His head turned to face the window and he starred outside for a second.

„To the Sheraton hotel." He bit on his bottom lip. He knows exactly that he can't go home right now. His colleagues will start looking for him and of course the would start in his apartment. And Donna knows how to get in there.

However, this is the only way to protect everyone he cares about.

„And can you please bring 3 suits into the Sheraton this evening?"

Ray nodded. „Of course, Mr Specter." It was his job, so Ray would do everything Harvey asks for. But it seemed a little bit like Harvey is running away from something.

„When you are in my apartment and someone is looking for me there then tell them you have to bring the suits to the laundry for me." Harvey looked down on his lap and his hands were trembling. „When someone asks where I am, then you will tell them you haven't seen me since morning, okay?" It's hard for him to give Ray all these advices because he betrays the people who care about him. But he got no choice.

„I should try to lie to Ms. Paulsen's face?" Ray said smiling. „I don't think this will work."

„I never said that she is going to be the one looking for me." Harvey wondered about Ray's answer. He didn't expect an answer at all.

„But we both know she will." Ray said in a serious tone. He wanted to show Harvey that whatever the hell he is doing, it's not good.

Harvey spent another minute looking out of the window. His expression, desperated. Tears started to fill his eyes. His lips were pressed in a thin line.

„There we are." Ray said in a friendly, but also a little bit anxious tone. He knows that it's wrong supporting Harvey in whatever this situation is about. But it's his job and he would never let him down.

„Thank you, Ray." He said in a desperated but also grateful voice.

Harvey made his way through the big glass doors of the hotel lobby.

„Mr Specter, I'm happy to see you're staying with us again." The receptionist said friendly.

Harvey knew the young man. He works here for 2 years now and every time Harvey - or his family - needs an accommodation in New York, they're staying here.

„You are one lucky man." Harvey didn't hear the following things the brown haired guy said.

 _One lucky man._

He is kidding, isn't he?

Harvey tried to avoid his gaze through the whole conversation. He answered what's necessary and waited for his key card.

As usual he opened the doors on the 34th floor and stepped into his suite.

He threw his jacket on the bed and sat down in of the armchairs in front of the windows.

Looking on his phone his background showed Mike and him at Mike's wedding.

 _Mike took his phone when they were at the airport. Harvey and Donna came to say goodbye and to stand by their sides for the last few steps._

 _Mike started laughing when he handled his phone back to him. Donna said, that it looks adorable so he got no choice..._

 _He remembered Rachel's last sentence:_

„ _and you are not going to change your background until we're celebrating someone else's wedding." Donna got a wink from her best friend before she turned around to walk into the airport building. Donna stood there and didn't know what to say. She faced Harvey and said: „unbelievable." A smile ran over her face._

„ _They're just childish." Harvey said smiling back at her._

He can't think about this, not right now.

He just tried to think about _nothing_ while booking a flight for tomorrow morning: 7 o'clock from JFK.

„Okay, perfect." he whispered. He looked up, scared by his own words. Did he really say that? ‚ _Perfect'_ ?

Oh my god this is like an escape and he used the word ‚ _perfect_ '?

His head fell back and leaned on the armchair's headrest. After a few minutes of not thinking anything he went back to his task. Continued booking his flight and called the reception.

„Hello, I have an 7 o'clock flight tomorrow so can I get a cab for 5 am, please?" his expression was determined. He knew it's the only way.

„Of course Mr Specter, see you tomorrow."

„Louis, I haven't seen Harvey since lunch. Do you know where he is? I need his help with this case and he promised we will work it out together." Alex said in a serious tone to Louis. He was standing in the door of Louis's office and looked at him with an expectant gaze.

„Sorry for interrupting, but have you seen Harvey? He is not in his office and we wanted to see a client today." Samantha walked into Louis office with a questioning and kind of annoyed expression. „Harvey took that case very serious and he wouldn't just forget it."

Samantha recognized the cluelessness in Louis's office. „Don't tell me you are here for the same problem, Alex." Her gaze fell on the file in Alex's hand and he looked a little bit desperated.

They saw Donna passing Louis's office and sending them a smile. For any reason, no one asked _her_ where Harvey is.

After the 3 lawyers changed a few looks, they knew that something is wrong. Harvey Specter doesn't just disappear from work, without letting anyone know. If it would have been for business, then one of them would know for which case. But there isn't a case he is handling alone at the moment.

„It has something to do with Jessica's call at lunch, I'm sure." Louis said and nodded to himself.

He faced Samantha and Alex and something in Louis's eyes told them that there is something going on.

„Samantha, go and get Katrina. You two are going to look at all cases the firm is working on at the moment. Every case Harvey could be involved in without letting us know." Louis serious expression met Samantha's confused gaze. „Louis, I'm really not the person for paperwo-..." Louis cut her off.

„I don't care, go and get Katrina, she knows what I want." Louis face is expectable now and told Samantha that she hasn't got any choice.

„Alex, get on a cab and drive to Harvey's apartment. I want to know if he's at home or not."

Alex nodded and his face told Louis's he got this.

They're about to walk out of the office when Louis nearly screamed something in their backs.

„And whatever you are going to do..." his voice came back to a normal volume. „...you don't tell Donna the smallest thing about what's going on here!" He is serious as hell this time.

Samantha and Alex nodded with promising faces and made their way out of Louis's office.

The clock passed 4 pm and Alex is on his way down to get a cab to Harvey's apartment.

He was waiting for the elevator doors to open, when he saw Donna walking around the corner.

„Hey, Alex." she said with a smile on her face. „We're you going to?"

Alex tried to avoid her gaze and started trembling „Ohh... I need to see a client. I have to prepare him for court tomorrow and he still got some questions." He knows that Donna can read people but he tried to do his best to send her a fake smile.

When the doors of the elevator finally opened he thought this difficult conversation was finally over, but he heard the four-inch heels following him into the elevator. He started getting nervous. Maybe she wants to look for Harvey in his apartment too and oh my god, no, this can't be real.

„Where are you going too?" he asked with a faked interested smile.

„Ohh I'm just going to get some coffee, I haven't slept the whole night..." she rolled her eyes and her kind of tired gaze found his relieved expression.

„See you later!" she said stepping out of the elevator and going a way faster through the lobby than Alex.

Alex took a breath and stood there for a second, thinking about his original task...

His eyes found a cab outside and he walked straight ahead over to it.

Half an hour later he arrived it front of Harvey's building. He saw Ray getting out of his black Lexus and heading to the front door.

„Hey... you are Ray, right?" Ray turned around and saw Alex stepping towards him with a friendly smile.

„Yes, that's me." Ray smiled back and knows what comes next.

„Have you seen Harvey? Because he isn't in the firm and I need his help with a case and..." Ray cut him off. „I haven't seen Mr Specter since morning. I'm just about the get some suits for the laundry, because he asked me to do it."

„Ohh, so he is not at home, isn't he?" Alex asked with a help seeking face.

„No, he is not at home. Otherwise I wouldn't go upstairs to pick up his clothes for the laundry." Ray laughed.

„Okay, then I'm heading back to firm, thank you man." He sent Ray one last friendly and grateful gaze until he turned around to go back on the cab.

Ray watched the cap driving away before he shook his head and pressed his lips in a thin line.

Harvey just stepped out of the shower when he heard his phone ringing. He begged to not see Jessica's name on his screen and he begged even more not so see Louis, Alex or most of all Donna's name.

He was relieved when Ray's name showed up.

„Hey, Ray. What's going on?" Harvey's afraid gaze fell on the carpet.

„I'm just waiting in the hotel lobby with your suits."

Ray said.

„Okay, great, I will meet you downstairs in 2 minutes."

he stopped pulling the door handle down. „Did I say _grea_ t? Seriously?"

He was annoyed by himself while rushing down the 34th floor to the elevators.

Arriving at the lobby he saw Ray waiting next to the reception.

„Here we go, Mr. Specter." Ray gave him his suits.

„Thank you, Ray." He sent Ray an honest and very grateful smile.

Harvey turned around to walk away from him, when Ray stopped him.

„Mr. Specter, I don't know if it's necessary for you to know, but I met one of your colleagues in front of your building today. He was looking for you."

Harvey bit on his bottom lip. „I'm helping Jessica Pearson with a case and there is a lot going on in the firm right now and I'm sure they wouldn't support me helping Jessica... but it's kind of important and I just had to." he smiled at Ray to tell him that there is nothing to worry about.

Ray nodded and turned around to leave the lobby.

Samantha, Katrina, Alex and Louis sat on the Couch in Louis's office. Luckily Donna went home some minutes ago so they can finally talk about their results.

„I was at Harvey's apartment and met Ray. He was picking up some suits for the laundry and he told me Harvey isn't at home. He hasn't seen him since morning." Alex bit on his bottom lip, because he knew his news weren't good.

„Every case Harvey is involved in right now, is about clients in New York." Samantha said and looked down on her lap playing with her fingers.

„I asked his secretary and his meetings for today should've been here in the firm." Katrina continued.

„Alright, so we got nothing..." Louis said looking at the other's with a serious and desperated expression.

„Why haven't you called Jessica?" Alex asked.

„...because Louis knows that when she calls Harvey, she calls Harvey. And that it's no his business." Katrina answered looking at Louis with a knowing face. Louis nodded. „Exactly." he pointed with his hand at Katrina.

„Then why don't we ask Donna?" Alex stood up and faced the other's with an expectant expression. „Alex..." Louis said, with a voice that should've told him that he don't want to explain it.

„Alex, are you as stupid as I think or do you just act like that?" Samantha rolled her eyes and leaned her forehead against her hand. Alex's not-understanding face told her he has no idea what she was talking about. „Alex, you don't ask a woman where her lost boyfriend is!" Samantha gave him a serious gaze. „Exactly." Louis said.

„Boyfriend? Did I miss some news?" Alex sent a wondering face into the group.

Samantha shook her head while her hand was still holding her forehead.

„If you don't see it, you missed something the day you got here!" Katrina nearly shouted because she was annoyed by Alex who understood just nothing.

„We'll let Harvey Specter do," Louis made a short break „...whatever Harvey Specter is going to do. He got this, I'm sure." Louis continued. „He didn't what us to know so maybe it's just not our business." Louis faced his colleagues for a second before getting back on feet.

The other's understood his this-conversation-is-over gesture and started walking out of his office.

„do you think it's business or personal?" Samantha turned her head to face Louis with an kind of anxious expression. The other's stopped walking and turned around too. Everyone faced Louis right now and he sent a pensive look to all of them.

„Personal." Louis said while looking down to his desk and organizing some files.


	4. break your heart right back

Chapter 4: Break your heart right back

Harvey had a sleepless night. He just thought about all the consequences his meeting with Jessica could have. He thought about all the people he lied to, for all those years.

He had a shower, grabbed his suits and his phone and went down to the lobby.

The clock passed 5am and his cab was waiting outside the hotel.

„To the JFK Airport, Please" Harvey said with a kind of shaking voice when he got on the cab.

He leaned back in the seat and took out his phone. He searched in his recent calls and saw all the names of the people he cares about. And all the people he lied to: Mike, Rachel, Louis, Jessica. He tried not to focus on Donna's name.

He clicked on a contact and hold the phone on his ear.

„What the hell are you doing it's 5am. We're living in the same time zone, aren't we?" A familiar voice said in a tired tone.

„I know, but do you think I just called to hear your annoying voice?" Harvey smiled to himself.

„Ohh you'd better tell me why you are calling me out of my sleep." Harvey heard a little laugh, but the voice sounds still tired and annoyed.

„Because you are the only one I can talk to right now..." Harvey said in a quieter tone.

„What's going on, Harvey?"

Harvey's desperated gaze fell out of the window. He saw the lights of New York's skyline flashing into his eyes. The sun hasn't rose yet. For a moment he forgot that he is calling someone.

„Harvey? I'm not waiting here forever."

„Jessica found out about Kate." The sentence left Harvey's lips before he really thought about how to say it.

„What?"

„Yes, I know..."

„Okay, now I understand why you had to call me."

Marcus said in an unbelievable tone.

„I'm on my way to the airport now-..." Marcus cut him off. „You are going to emigrate?" Harvey's brother won't be surprised by these news.

„What? No Marcus, I'm not leaving the country. I'm off to Chicago to see Jessica." Harvey wanted to scream through the phone because his brother is such a dork. But he can't because the driver would be distraught.

„Then good luck." Marcus said serious and pressed his lips in a thin line.

„Thank you, I just wanted you to know." Harvey said in a grateful tone.

„Harvey?"

„Yes?"

„Does she know?" Marcus nearly whispered.

Harvey's head fell back to rest on the seat.

„No, of course she doesn't." his desperated eyes starred at the ceiling of the cab.

„Or do you think I would've called you, if I have the chance to call Donna instead?" A little smile ran over his face.

His brother ended the conversation before he finished his sentence.

Arriving at the airport Harvey bought a holdall for his suits, went through the security check and sat down in the waiting area at his gate.

3 hours later he landed at Chicago O'Hare airport.

Surprisingly, he saw Jessica standing on the other side of a glass door in the arrival area.

He walked towards her and a small smile covered his face. He couldn't help himself, but he was kind of happy to see her. She will always be Jessica for him. When they got closer he started talking:

„How did you kno-..." but she cut him off. „I knew you would take the next plane." she smiled at him. Because he will always be Harvey for her.

The two former partners walked next to each other through the airport building, out to Jessica's car. „I could get used to share a car with you." Harvey teased.

Jessica rolled her eyes, but couldn't help herself from smiling. Her smile faded when they got on the black Bentley. „Harvey." Her tone went serious. She noticed how he tried to avoid her gaze now. He looked out of the window, knowing exactly what's coming next.

„you know we have to talk about something. I don't want you to be here to help me at work or to clean up my apartment."

His confused gaze met hers. „you know what I mean." she shook her head. A small smile covered her face.

„You are here because you have to tell me about something." her expression went serious again.

Harvey was starring out of the window again and bit on his bottom lip.

„Okay, then I think we're going to have breakfast somewhere now..."

Going into the restaurant like Bonnie and Clyde they sat down on a table next to the big glass windows. Jessica placed her Balenciaga on the chair next to her and crossed her legs.

Harvey looked into her dark brown eyes. He knew it's time to tell her.

They ordered some random food, neither Harvey nor Jessica care about at all.

Jessica opened her mouth to say something, but Harvey cut her off before she even started talking.

„What was the first thing on your mind when you heard her name?" Harvey bit on his bottom lip and looked into Jessica's eyes.

Jessica took a sip of her coffee and looked at her lap. Her fingers were playing with certain rings on her fingers.

„That it would be just a coincidence." she took a breath and looked back at Harvey.

„I don't want to hear what you hoped for." his gaze was expectant this time. „I want you to say what you thought the first time you heard her name."

„Okay Harvey, I will tell you what I thought." her gaze went serious too. „I thought that there can be many other people with your last name, but when I saw the name on the surgery chart, I had the feeling that this is not just a coincidence! _Specter, K_. That was everything I knew. I had no idea why I waited illegally in front of a surgery room for 5 hours..." she paused and avoided his gaze for the first time. „But I just had to know. And when I saw the woman, with her long brown waves, her deep blue eyes and her perfect eyebrows for the first time, I knew that this isn't a coincidence.

I watched her putting a silver ring on her left ring finger like it's the most valuable thing in her life, I heard her voice speaking in an adorable tone about a 5 year old and I heard her saying that you've always worked until you got on the top." She faced Harvey again with a kind of disappointing look in her eyes.

„I think, that's what you wanted to hear." she nodded to herself and she took another sip of her coffee.

„Jessica, I don't know where to start..."

„Then you'd better think about it, because I don't want to spend the whole day here." she interrupted him. „Harvey, Listen." She recognized his kind of desperated expression and he was playing with the fork on the table between his fingers.

„I don't what you to tell me the story of your life now. You don't have to explain every detail to me. I just want to understand how you got in that situation and why the hell NOBODY knows." she tried to send him an understanding gaze.

„Alright, here we go." he leaned back into the chair placed his hands on his lap. „I met Kate in Highschool. We got in a relationship and it turned out to be something more than I expected. She was kind of the first girl I fell in love with and I thought it was just my first real relationship and that's why I have been so in love with her. Time went by and suddenly we graduated from Highschool and were still a couple. She went to the Harvard medical school and, you know, I went to Harvard law." Jessica looked into his eyes the whole time, but of course he tried to avoid her gaze. „After College we moved to New York, because it has always been her dream to work at Mount Sinai Hospital. She became an intern there and I started working for you..." He faced Jessica. His eyes told her that he remembers meeting her for the first time. She sent him a little smile before he went on talking.

„As an Intern she had 48h shifts and I worked 12 hours a day. We haven't seen each other that often, but we thought we can go through this. We got used to see each other no as often as we'd liked to, but she loved her job and, believe it or not, I loved mine too. We knew that that's the life we chose. I struggled my whole life with loving someone because of..." Jessica cut him off because she knew how hard it is for him to tell her about it. „your mom." Her dark brown eyes gave him an understanding look. His expression went grateful because of her ending this sentence. „Exactly." he continued. „So I proposed to her on her 26th birthday and we got married. I have been sure that she was the one. Always.

One year later I went to the DA's office. She never wanted me to work for Cameron Dennis, but of course, for me, quitting wasn't an option. I started working more and more, so we saw each other less than ever before. When we saw each other, we just fight and had arguments about my job and her long shifts at the hospital." he paused and took a sip of his orange juice. He talked so much that he has to be thirsty now, but something told Jessica that it's hard for him to say the next sentences. „I thought that if we wouldn't see each other that often and stuck in arguments every time..." he swallowed and looked out of the window. „she would cheat on me one day." he looked down on his lap and played nervously with his fingers. Jessica leaned towards him and put her arms on the table. „And I couldn't live with that knowledge anymore, so we broke up." he sent a fake smile to Jessica and leaned more back into the chair. „but you never got divorced..." Jessica said with a confused expression. „No..." he bit on his bottom lip. „We never got divorced." he nodded and looked into Jessica's eyes knowing what her next question would be. „Why not?" Jessica asked with a serious gaze and stroke a dark brown wave behind her ear. „because you can never go back." he looked out of the window again. „because I was afraid of making this decision." he swallowed again and his desperated expression showed Jessica that it's enough. „Okay, Harvey. I'm glad you told me the whole story an-..." he cut her off. „She was the first woman I loved." Jessica sat up and placed her Valentinos back next to each other.

They sat there in silence. It felt like no one said a word for hours, but after 2 minutes, Harvey started talking again. „After we broke up, I got a new secretary." Jessica took a deep breath. „And one day you quit at the DA's office..." Jessica was the one looking out of the window now before continuing her sentence. „But not for Kate. You quit for Donna." Harvey focused on the plate of scrambled eggs in front of him, but he looked up again when Jessica sent him an understanding gaze. She couldn't help herself but a little smile ran over her face, even if she knows this is not the right moment.

„And now, to answer your question:" he leaned towards the table, placed his lower arms on it and looked into Jessica's eyes for the first time in this entire conversation.

„From the day I met Donna, I knew that I would never tell anyone about Kate."

The two former partners finished their breakfast and started talking about different things. How Zane Specter Litt is doing, about Mike and Rachel's wedding and they gossiped about some old clients. It was nice sitting there together and just talk like Jessica never left the firm. Like Jessica never met Harvey's wife.

„Breakfast is on me." Harvey said and started grinning at Jessica.

„Of course, or do you think I eat the most expensive pancakes in the city to comfort my shape?" a big smile showed up on her face and her brows raised while looking at Harvey with a satisfied gaze.

„Oh Jessica, please." Harvey said with an annoyed expression pointing in Jessica's direction.

She stood up to kind of present her definitely perfect shape in her white off-shoulder dress.

She sent Harvey a questioned gaze before she started smiling again while Harvey stood up too.

She placed the black Balenciaga on her lower arm and took one step towards Harvey. He placed a kiss on her cheek and she reached her left arm around him to put him in a hug. Not a typical scenario, but the past 3 hours were more personal than ever before. The violet Valentinos started turning around when Harvey called her by her name again.

„Jessica." he took a few steps into her direction.

„I just want you to know that I will go and see her." Jessica's face was covered with a confused expression now. „When?" But the time or the place they'll meet wasn't the question on her mind. What she really wanted to know was ‚why'.

„Now." Harvey said with a determined gaze.

„Harvey she is a surgeon she is working all day."

He almost started talking before she ended her sentence. „Now." His expression was serious and she knew she'd better accept it.

But she couldn't help herself when she looked out of the window just to avoid his gaze with a kind of pissed mood. She just didn't think this was a good idea. But fine, if he likes waiting in front of surgery rooms for 5 hours, he should try his best to do... whatever the hell he is going to do.

She turned around and left the restaurant. He watched her through the window before he started leaving the restaurant too.

Desperated for these first steps he made his way through the doors of the Chicago Midway Hospital. He hates hospitals ever since his dad had a heart attack.

His eyes found the reception desk and he started walking towards it with big and determined steps. He doesn't know if it's the best idea to see her, but he had to, so he'll do whatever it takes.

„Hello, can you tell me where Kate Specter is?"

Her name leaving his lips is the most confusing thing he felt for a long time. „Ohh, I mean Dr. Specter." he corrected himself and tried to send a perplexed smile to the receptionist.

„Sorry, I'm not allowed to tell you concrete information about the surgeons." she sent him a smile back and looked down on her computer again.

„It's kind of important." Harvey said in a desperated voice. He is definitely not used to people not telling him what he wanted to know.

„Alright, are you a family member of a patient she operated today?"

„No I'm not a family member of-..." the receptionist cut him off. „Then who are you and what are you doing here? Because this is a hospital and usually you come here because of a pat-..." it was his turn to cut her off.

„My name is Harvey Specter." he doesn't like it to use his name to get what he wants. But for any reason it works every time... but this time it's not because of his reputation as Manhattan's best closer. It's because of his god damn last name.

„Ohh I'm sorry." The receptionist sent him an apologetic gaze and looked down on the surgery plan in front of her. „Your wife is in an emergency surgery right now." His fingers started trembling in his pockets and he avoided her gaze. „It started half an hour ago and It's a car accident, that's all I know." he nodded with a grateful expression and started leaving the reception. „Mr Specter." he turned around again. „you know where you're going to?" the receptionist sent him a questioning smile. „Ohh, no..." he took a few steps back to the receptionist. „She is in surgery room 3. It's on the 2nd floor." The black haired woman pointed at the elevators.

„Thank you." Harvey nodded and made his way through the lobby to the elevators.

Arriving on the 2nd floor he asked an intern where surgery room 3 is. „Just pass the reception area and turn left. Then follow the signs on the hallway." the young man smiled and went on walking.

When Harvey walked down the hallway everything seemed to be in slow motion.

So many thoughts ran through his mind.

 _you're into me_

 _for you to figure out that it's time to come inside_

 _We, just made partner_

 _I also took care of that too, we've been married for the last seven years_

 _you keep things from me all the time_

 _I told her that I can't be me without you_

 _The only thing I got going on tonight is you_

 _With you, it's different_

 _You know I love you, Donna_

 _I'm leaving you, Harvey_

 _you're saying you are coming back to me_

 _I want something more_

 _If you keep working with Donna, we won't survive_

 _I want you to be there for me now like I been there for you every single day_

 _I just had to know_

 _I didn't feel anything when I kissed you, Harvey_

 _We both know it's really strawberries and whipped cream_

5 hours later he was still waiting in front of the surgery room. He didn't know if it's the right decision to see her or if it's the worse thing he can do right now, but for any reason he can't leave. His head turned from one to the other side focusing on the end of the hallway. He leaned his head back on the wall and closed his eyes for a second.

Suddenly he heard his phone ringing in his pocket. He took it out and bit on his bottom lip when he saw the name on his screen. Unexpected tears came to his eyes and he starred at the ceiling of the hallway. It felt like lying to the only person who really matters to him, but he didn't answer the call.

He looked at the picture that shows up automatically when Donna calls him.

It's from her birthday last year when she persuaded him to go ice skating on Rink at Rockefeller Centre. He loved ice skating as a child, but of course he would've never admitted it. The snowflakes laid on the perfect waves of hair red hair. She wore the cutest white winter cap ever with a fluffy white bobble and a grey coat with a belt. When she was about to turn around on the ice to face him again, he took out his phone and made this random picture. She looked over her shoulder with the biggest smile on her face and spread her arms out like she was waiting for the snowflakes to fall on her body.

All the colourful lights and the Christmas decoration in the background made this picture just perfect.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when the doors of the surgery room swung open. He focused on the doctors and interns coming out of the preparation room. Between all the similar looking people with the light blue hospital outfits, he saw her.

She put her headgear down and the brown waved ponytail fell out. She washed her hands and took a tissue before sterilizing her hands again.

He watched her stepping towards him and taking something out of her pocket. She put the silver ring with the diamond on top on her finger and stretched her fingers out to admire it for a second.

When she finally looked up, her completely shocked expression met his face. She stepped towards him but kept a safe distance and her gaze never left his eyes.

„Harvey." she sent him a little smile, but her expression was still shocked.

„What are you doing here?" But she hasn't got the answer that she expected.

„You're still wearing it?" he pointed on her left ring finger.

„Every day, for the last 14 years." she looked down on it with a short smile.

„But you can't tell me that you flew all the way over to Chicago to ask me if I'm still wearing my wedding ring." she faced him again with a serious gaze.

„I don't know how much you talked about our relation in the past years... but I decided to not tell anyone." he looked into her eyes with an honest gaze. „And when Jessica met you, she wanted to know the whole story and why I haven't told anyone." A kind of apologetic smile covered his face now and and he had no idea how she will react to him not telling anyone about their marriage. It's like, she never existed. It's like he never loved her.

„So, you flew to Chicago to met her..." she continued his sentence.

„Exactly. And she was my mentor, she knows everything about me... so I decided to entrust this to her too. We worked together in New York an-..." she cut him off with a disappointed, but kind of understanding gaze.

„I haven't told many people about us." she looked down on the floor thinking about her next words. „I had three relationships in the last 14 years." she swallowed and looked into his eyes now. It's was embarrassing for her to tell him that but it's the truth. She never found someone who loved her the same way he loved her. And she couldn't help herself, but started comparing everyone to Harvey. „and they all ended when I told them I'm actually married. They didn't gave me a chance to explain it, and if they gave me a chance, they just..." she couldn't stop the tears from coming into her eyes. „didn't understand it." she tried to avoid his gaze now because of the tears in her eyes. „they didn't understand why..." he cut her off. „we never got divorced." He sent her a soothing smile.

„Exactly." she nodded and bit on her bottom lip.

They stood there in silence for 2 minutes thinking about old times. He knew she would think about all the fights and arguments they had because of their jobs and about him breaking up with her.

He does either... it's the last thing he can remember about their marriage... fights, arguments and fear.

„I just wanted to see how you're doing." he faced her again with a kind of proud gaze. He looked around before saying „I remember you running around here like one of these little and nervous interns." he giggled.

„You have never seen me in hospital, Harvey." she shot back with a terrified but amusing look.

„Of course I have seen you in that stylish hospital outfit before!" a laugh escaped from him and he couldn't help himself, but he had to bring these memories back.

„Do you remember that day when you where so annoyed about a surgery you weren't allowed to take part in?"

„You mean the daily routine I went through?" her questioning gaze found his.

„no, for real, you were so annoyed, that you ran out of this hospital without changing your clothes and you came home in your stylish light blue hospital outfit, when I invited my whole family for dinner."

„Oh my god that was so embarrassing. Of course I remember." she hit him against his chest, desperated for this touch. She felt something in her stomach telling her that this is what she always wanted. But something in his eyes told her, that she is not the one. Not anymore.

He doesn't look at her the same way he did for all those years. She hopes, that whoever it is now, will survive the truth.

„I have another surgery in 10 minutes and I have to prepare. I didn't expect to see you here otherwise I would have postponed it. It's an easy intervention." She started walking down the hallway sending him one last gaze. Filled with apologies, happiness and a thousand other feelings she can't describe. She remembered leaving him the last time.

 _It's okay, I understand your decision, Harvey... but I expected you to fight for me._

 _I fought for you since the day I met you. You don't see that, that's the problem..._

 _I never thought I could leave you, even when we had arguments and haven't seen each other that often. You were the first girl I loved truly, Kate. And you will always be someone special to me. But you are not the one._

She stopped walking and turned around again to face him.

„But there is still the question." Harvey looked up when he heard her voice again.

„What question?" he said with a confused and anxious gaze.

„Why you haven't told anyone." she said it like she didn't expect an answer. She just knew that he hadn't told her everything, and that was one reason for their break up.

She pressed her lips in a thin line and went on walking. She was kind of annoyed right now because it's the same old story they have been through once. She tried to be as honest and as open as she can, but he only tells her what he wanted her to know. When she was about to cross the corner she turned around to face Harvey one last time.

„I will send you the divorce documents." he looked up from the floor and saw the deep blue eyes facing him again. When he processed what she just said, he sent her a confused and kind of shocked gaze.

„If you sign, I will sign too." She turned her head again and tried to hide her emotions. It was hard for her to say something like this to him. After 14 years they met each other for the first time and suddenly, out of nowhere, she talks about getting divorced.

It's not fair, but he gave her the feeling that it's time.

When she crossed the corner she leaned on the wall and tears came up on her eyes. She looked at the ring on her finger and shifted it a little bit. Every time she looked at it their former relationship came up in waves. But in that moment she was drowning in memories.


	5. one last time

Chapter 5: One last time

Same time, different city:

„Did you get some news from Jessica about the Harvey-is-married-disaster?"

Rachel stood in the door of her husband's office. He was busy and searched something on his desk. „Can I help you?" Rachel said when she walked towards him.

„No, I'm just searching this document... I swear, I put it down here yesterday."

His wife took a few steps, had a look on his desk and grabbed the exact document he was searching for.

„Oh my god, thank you." he smiled and his nervous expression changed into a grateful face.

„That's what I'm here for." she smiled back and sit down on his chair.

„So, you're saying we moved to Seattle so you can organize my paperwork?"

„No, I'm saying we made these promises, and I'm here to help you with everything you need." he sent him an amusing gaze and touched his lower arm. He leaned down to her and gave her a kiss on the forehead. „And I'm here to give you all the love you need." he smiled and gave her a wink.

Rachel just rolled her eyes but can't hide the little smile on her face.

„So, back to my question... did you hear something new from Jessica?" her serious and questioning gaze found his eyes.

„No, the last thing I got was her message and I told you about it..." Mike pressed his lips in a thin line.

„Do you think they met in Chicago?" Rachel crossed her legs and looked down at her lap.

„Jessica and Harvey?" Mike responded.

„No, Harvey and Kate." she bit on her bottom lip. Actually, she didn't want an answer, because she doesn't want to think about Harvey meeting a random woman that should be his wife. She just felt so sorry for Donna.

„I have no idea... it's hard for me to assess Harvey now. He kept his marriage as a secret for 14 god damn years. No one found out, not even Donna. She knows everything about him, how could she miss that? I mean, she knows his parents, his brother, even his old cleaning lady. You don't miss such a fact." his gaze fell out of the window and he shook his head.

„Mike, do you remember Harvey's relationship with Paula Agard?" Rachel tried to have a look in his eyes while starting that topic, but he avoided her gaze completely.

„Of course, I will never get over the fact he-.." she cut him off.

„Donna told me, she didn't see it coming because she didn't want to see it coming. And do you think she would ever think about Harvey being married to another woman?" she paused and touched his hand. Her thumb rubbed over his palm before she went on talking.

„Her brain doesn't know something her heart doesn't want to know." she said with a serious and kind of emotional tone. Because that's the truth. Donna can read everybody and she knows everything before anyone else does. But if she doesn't see something, then it's because her subconscious just doesn't want to see it.

Mike swallowed. Rachel is right, she didn't want to see it coming. And neither him nor Rachel saw it coming... maybe for the same reason.

 _Tell harvey how you feel_

 _Two people have to be together to be happy, and Harvey and I don't want to be together._

 _When Donna kissed me, I realized that Paula wasn't the one._

 _Because Donna is?_

Mike would never say that out loud, but he is sure about one thing:

He would never choose Kate, because he can just not decide against Donna. He could never, and he won't ever be able to choose someone over Donna.

„Should we tell Donna?" Rachel felt so guilty for her best friend. She didn't want to ask this question, but she had to.

Mike was pulled out of his thoughts by this question. „Sorry, what did you just say?" he looked at his wife with a confused gaze.

He knows exactly what she said, but he couldn't believe she just asked that question.

„Should we tell Donna...?" She said again with a serious gaze.

„What? No." Mike walked around his desk and leaned his hands on the black surface. „We won't take this step for him." he shook his head and leaned it down to face the desk.

„Mike, this is not about taking a step." she sent him a serious gaze. „This is about the person, who cared about you like a mother from day one. This is about the person, whom we owe our relationship." Mike looked up and saw tears coming up to the eyes of his wife.

He took her tiny fingers in his hand before saying his next sentence.

„You know Donna better than anyone else. I have no idea how she should survive these news, but it would be even worse if Harvey is not the person telling her about it, and you know that." His tone of voice told Rachel that this should be the ending sentence and that there is no way to convince him to tell Donna about it.

Waiting on the sidewalk of Chicago's Michigan Avenue, Harvey thought about his previous conversation with Kate. In general, everything was fine, Kate is very successful in her Job and she loves doing it. Harvey thinks she wouldn't surrender it for a relationship anyway, so she must be happy with the life she chose.

But for some reason he wonders why she is still wearing their wedding ring. She had some relationships in the past years and it wouldn't be that advantageous to start a relationship with showing her new boyfriend the ring her former husband gave to her. It seems like this ring means a lot to her.

„Harvey what are you doing here?" Jessica came out of Starbucks with a drink in her hand. Harvey turned around and looked at Jessica.

„I know where you take your coffee." He gave her a wink and she rolled her eyes.

„What have you thought about?" They started walking down the street and she took a sip of her Iced Latte Macchiato.

„What do you mean?" he sent her a confused gaze.

Her silver shining Yves Saint Laurent's sparkled in the afternoon sun and her dark brown waves fell over her white coat.

Harvey watched her confident gaze looking straight ahead and noticed that he won't get an answer.

„Okay, you got me." he said and pressed his lips in a thin line. She turned her head to send him a knowing gaze.

„I thought about the conversation I had with Kate today." Jessica stopped and turned to face him.

„You met her?" her shocking gaze let him know that she didn't believe he was going to see her.

„I told you I'm going to mee-..." she cut him off.

„Yes, I know, but I didn't thought you are really going to see her." they went on walking but Jessica's gaze was still shocked.

She took out her phone and turned in a direction where Harvey wasn't able to look at her screen.

„So what have you talked about?" Jessica asked and scrolled up and down her phone to find Mike's contact.

„Or different question... how did you know where to find her in the hospital?" she looked up from her phone for a second because she was interested in his answer.

„I'm very charming, did you know that?"

Jessica rolled her eyes and her hand slapped against his chest.

„Okay, I said my name..." his expression went serious and he looked like he is not proud of the way he got what he wanted.

Jessica sent him an understanding gaze and paid attention to her phone again. She finally found Mike's contact and started texting him.

Harvey was talking about his conversation with the receptionist and how long he waited in front of the surgery room, but obviously Jessica wasn't listening to him at all.

 _Mr and Mrs Specter met each other today..._

She locked her phone again and wasn't happy about the message she just sent. She knew that it will break Mike's heart to see the words ‚Mrs Specter' without a connection to Donna on his phone.

„Jessica, did you hear what I just said?" he stepped in front of her so she had to stop.

She sent him with a terrified gaze and walked around him to go on.

„No, because I had to do something for my Job. I haven't done anything the past days because of your little secret after all." Her expression went confident and amusing.

Harvey looked at Jessica's phone which she was about to put back into her black Armani purse.

„Can you do me a favour?" He said in an urgent tone.

Jessica waited for him to continue his sentence before saying yes or no so he pointed at her phone.

„Can you call someone from the firm and tell them I'm here and that I'm going to present you in court?"

Jessica bit on her bottom lip while recognizing that he wanted her to lie for him...

„Who do you want me to call?" her reluctantly gaze told him she is not a fan of lying to her former colleagues, but she would do it for him.

„Louis or Samantha."

„No, you want me to lie to Louis?" she avoided his gaze for a moment because she is disappointed.

„Louis has never been a fan of our relation, you know that. He knows that I would lie for you and he won't believe me." Harvey nodded because Jessica was right. He also felt a little bit guilty for making this suggestion in the first place.

„Okay, then Samantha Wheeler." Jessica's hand touched her forehead.

„Harvey, I have never spoken to this woman before and now, she is the one I would call if you nearly fled out of New York to present me in court of a not existing case?" She turned her head to face him now and they stopped walking.

„I think it's be better if you'd call by yourself."

He chewed on the inside of his cheek because he isn't that keen on talking to his colleagues right now. It feels like betraying them without doing anything.

„Just call the firm and ask the receptionist to put you through to a random person. So you don't have to choose someone you'll lie to, but you can tell someone where you have been for the past days." Jessica said with a believing gaze.

Harvey looked straight ahead trying to organize his thoughts a little bit. He knew that Jessica was right.

„Okay, then I will do it right now..." He grabbed into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

„I think it's time..." he turned his screen to Jessica so she could see his uncountable missed calls from his colleagues.

He put his phone on his ear and waited for someone to answer the call.

„Zane Specter Litt, what can I do for you?"

He started becoming more nervous at the thought of talking to someone right now.

„I'm Harvey Specter and can you..." he wanted to say something but he had like a black-out. He looked into Jessica's direction with a desperated gaze.

„Can you put me through one of my colleagues, please?" he pressed his lips in a thin line.

The receptionist was looking in her computer and searched for the people Harvey was looking for.

„Mr Litt and Ms Bennet are in court right now, and Ms Wheeler is visiting a client... just like Mr Williams." she made a short break and scrolled down on her computer.

„Ms Paulsen is in her office, I'll put you through." she said with a friendly tone and smiled into the phone.

Harvey's phone was about to drop out of his hands when the receptionist mentioned Donna's name. He knew he could lie to Alex, Katrina, Samantha and probably to Louis too... but he can't lie to Donna, that's a fact.

He looked to Jessica with a help searching face and the desperation in his eyes told her that he had no idea what to do now.

„In that case, I think it's better to leave a message." He bit on his bottom lip and tried to get out of this very uncomfortable situation.

„Okay, what should I tell them, Mr Specter?"

The receptionist wondered about the change of his mind, but took out a pencil.

„I'm in Chicago to present Jessica Pearson in court. It's a kind of difficult case but I will get her out of it and I will be back soon." he nodded to himself and was kind of proud that he put some words together in a useful sentence.

„Okay I got it. Have a nice day." the receptionist said and put the receiver down.

„It's done" Harvey said with a dissatisfied, but also relieved expression. He went on walking and Jessica followed him.

They walked down Chicago's DuSable Bridge now and watched how the sun disappeared behind the skyscrapers. For any reason they walked in silence for a long time. Jessica and Harvey either needed some time to process the past days.

Harvey stopped and leaned his lower arms on the bridge railing. He looked straight ahead and watched the people walking up and down both sides of the Chicago River.

Jessica leaned on the railing next to him and her eyes tried to find his, unsuccessful.

„It's okay." She said and tried to calm him down a little bit. He wasn't mad at anyone or angry, but he seemed helpless.

„No, it's not, Jessica. I still have no idea how to tell her." His gaze fell down on the water that flowed right under his feet.

„They will understand it. They won't blame you if you tell them why you kept it as a secret for so many years." She sent him a smile and their eyes met for the first time. She hopes he'll catch some of her positive vibes, because he is in a really bad mood right now.

„And what reason should I tell them?" he rolled his eyes and turned in her direction. This situation seemed hopeless and no explanation in this world could make it any better. He is married and haven't told anyone. That's a fact.

„The same reason you told me." Jessica said and reminded Harvey on their conversation in the restaurant. She went on talking:

„The day you met Donna you knew you would never tell anyone about Kate." She couldn't help herself but a little smile ran over her lips again, even if she hasn't saw a smile on his face for a long time.

He answered as serious as expected: „Jessica, it's not that simple." His fingers started trembling on each sides of his body because she definitely hit a nerve.

„Yes, it is." she started talking more serious too because she recognized that Harvey was desperated for real.

„You think they don't know it, aren't you?" her aghast and little bit amused face starred at him.

„know what?" He leaned his lower arms on the railing again and put his hand up to shore his forehead.

„Harvey, please." she paused because she was kind of unsure whether she should say her next sentence or not, but once and for all she started talking again:

„Donna and you are meant to be. And everyone knows." She starred at him until he had to face her. She looked him deep in the eyes and her dark brow lens said what he needed to hear for a long time now.

„It's hard for you to tell her, I know. But it's time." Her jaw couldn't close completely and her gaze never left his eyes, because she just waited for a reaction.

„And what should I tell her? I haven't told you about my wife because I fell in love with you 13 years ago?" his voice was annoyed now, but after a second he noticed some tears coming up to his eyes. All the fury turned into contrition and sorrow.

Jessica swallowed. Harvey admitted it. Harvey Specter admitted something for the first time in his entire life. She never expected him to say it so honest and direct. But she always knew that it's the truth: they fell in love with each other the day they met.

„Exactly." Jessica nodded and tried to send him some calming gazes again.

„She needs to know." Harvey's gaze found hers and she observed the tears in his eyes.

„If she will stay, that's on her." she started chewing on the inside of her cheek, because it's like the hardest thing she could've said at the moment.

He turned his head to the other side, so she couldn't see his face anymore.

„But I'm sure she will." she continued her sentence and waited for him to face her again, but not even the smallest muscle in his body made a move.

„She loves you, Harvey." She tried it again and was as serious as a human being could be now. It's the truth, and he has to know it.

Harvey got a déjà-vu of one of the conversations he had with Paula in the lobby.

„ _Of course you have feelings for her. We wouldn't even know each other if it weren't because of that feelings."_

„ _You want me to say it or not, Harvey. She loves you."_

He faced the concrete ground of the bridge again, because he couldn't stand all these thoughts. He noticed how Jessica's gaze never left him and how she tried to understand what's going on inside him.

After he tried to organize his mind a little bit he still had no idea what to say. Jessica was very patiently with him and he was so grateful to have her. And she was right about everything she said.

He decided to tell her something that has been eating at him the whole day.

„Kate said she will send me the divorce documents and if I sign, she will sign too." he swallowed and finally looked into Jessica's eyes again.

„And will you sign?" She asked with an expectant and serious gaze. She knows it's kind of a big deal for him, but she doesn't think that it's such a hard decision at all. Nobody would understand it when he comes back and tells them about a marriage he couldn't get divorced from.

„I don't know, Jessica." The way he answered and averted her gaze made her angry.

„What do you don't know?!" she said louder than expected. His gaze fell on the concrete ground again and his fingers started trembling and the railing and he hold onto it stronger.

„Oh my god. You don't know if you're still loving her..." Jessica's jaw stayed open. She couldn't believe what she just said but it seems like it's the truth. Usually, there should be an annoyed or angry reaction when you ask a man, who kept his marriage as a secret for 14 years, if he is still loving that woman. But there wasn't such a reaction.

She tried to keep herself together now but it's very hard not to turn the hell around and leave.

„Jessica, I still know her birthday and her mother's favourite song. I remember every Christmas, every Thanksgiving and every New Year's Eve we spent together. I flew across the country to buy her engagement ring. I can't just let all these memories go with a signature."

He hopes so much that Jessica understands what he just said and that she will show him a little bit comprehension. He was serious about this.

Jessica's face sent him an implausible expression.

She never in a million years thought to hear something like this from Harvey Specter.

He cared about her, he really does.

He was an attentive husband who didn't want to hurt this woman.

She could throw herself down into the water for saying this, but it really touched her.

Even if the fury was gone now, she had to clear up her mind: It's still about Harvey's secret marriage which he doesn't want to divorce.

„You have to make a sacrifice, Harvey"

He turned his head to face her with a terrified gaze. She really has the nerves to say something like this so him? About sacrifice? About choosing between two people? About making a life changing decision?

She recognized how stunned and hurt he was when he faced the ground again. Her confused gaze turned into an apologetic expression when she noticed that she must have hit a nerve.

„I sacrificed everything before!" Harvey nearly shouted into Jessica's face. He looked up from the dirty concrete to sent her dark brown eyes an angry gaze. But his eyes were absent, because he got another flashback.

„ _Effective immediately, I, Donna Paulsen, here by resigning from the firm."_

He closed his eyes for a second trying to keep himself together. He remembered seeing her letter of resignation on his desk and passing her empty office. He ran through the lobby when he noticed what he just lost. He stood in front of her door and told her that he broke up with his girlfriend for her and that he isn't fine until she comes back.

And now it's so hard for him to end all these things here with Kate? Seriously?

„I know about you and Paula." She bit on her bottom lip and knew it wasn't the best time to mention her name. But she started it anyway with all these sacrifices stuff, so she went on talking: I don't know exactly why it ended. But as far as I'm concerned, she ask you to choose between her and Donna. And I know that you chose Donna over her." Jessica said and pulled him back into real life. She watched him the whole time while he had closed his eyes and got those flashbacks. She knew exactly what he was thinking about. But she needed to tell him that he chose her over his girlfriend in the first place. He did that before so he should stop pretending that it's so difficult for him now.

„You can't tell me it's a hard decision for you to choose between Donna and Kate..." you heard persuasiveness and seriousness in her voice because she wants him to be Harvey god damn Specter again who would never hesitate when it comes to making decisions. Especially no decisions between Donna and another woman.

„She is still wearing her wedding ring." his eyes met Jessica's and it sounded like he wanted to remind her that this is about is wife. About a woman he used to love more than anything else.

„And are you still wearing it? No." Jessica shot back. She turned her head to look in a random direction. She just wanted to avoid his gaze right now because this conversation turned ridiculous.

She wished he would be drunk or stoned, but unfortunately he was completely sound of mind.

„No, but it's like..." he pressed his lips in a thin line before continuing. He didn't really know where his sentence goes, but he needed to explain Jessica why this is not as simple as expected.

„She appreciates this little silver thing so much, that I don't want to hurt her with signing this god damn divorce documents." he leaned his head back into his neck and put his hands in his pockets. He knew how Jessica was looking at him now. She must be freaking annoyed by him not knowing what to do. But he really had no idea.

Surprisingly, she answered relatively understanding and not as angry as he expected.

„This decision is on you, Harvey. But remember, you told me you wouldn't come to work for me without Donna." She made a short break and starred at him. As much as he wanted to avoid her eyes now, he won't get around this time.

She went on talking when she finally got his attention because her next sentence is kind of important.

„You just can't be without her." her gaze deepened and became more and more serious and expectant. Her expression showed a little smile when she started phrasing her next thought.

„And no ring, no signature and no last name can change that." An understanding and positively minded expression faced him now.

She caught one last desperated and confused gaze from him because turning around.

„Good Night, Harvey."

He watched his former mentor walking down the bridge between the traffic lights until she went out of his view.


	6. Better left unsaid

Chapter 6: Better left unsaid

„Harvey, I was in a meeting and I missed your call. What's wrong?" Jessica walked out of Chicago's City Hall straight ahead to her car.

„I'm back at the airport now." Harvey said and turned around in Chicago O'Hare's airport building.

Jessica got on her car and put the black Givenchy purse next to her while holding her phone between ear and shoulder.

„You're flying back to New York?" she was kind of surprised because yesterday, he seemed to be a human wreck who can't handle his feelings. Neither for the one woman nor for the other...

„Yes I am." he paused and pressed his lips in a thin line. At the moment he is resolved and thinks that he could handle it, but his determination fades every moment he thought about home. About who is waiting there for him and what he is going to tell them.

„I'm just about to go through the security check. My plane leaves in an hour."

„Have a good flight and enjoy the first class. United's service is great, I can tell you that." she smirked into the phone.

„You're kind of a bigwig, you know that?" Harvey couldn't suppress his laughter anymore.

„Ohh, shut up, you're you know what's written on your boarding card. You're not any better than me." she shook her head and rolled her eyes in annoyance, but in a good way.

„In that case, you should look down on your heels and tell me that they are not as expensive as my apartment." he knew that he got her and giggled.

„I'm gonna miss you too." she looked down on her red Prada's with a kind of proud, but amusing look.

Jessica was about to end the call when she heard Harvey saying her name one last time.

„Jessica." he didn't even know how to go on, but if he will end the call, everything is on him. He doesn't know if he is ready for this responsibility.

„Do you think it's going to be okay?" he stopped walking and the crowd of people running through the airport surrounded him.

She bit on her bottom lip because she heard uncertainty in his voice. He must be nervous as hell to go back home, but he can't screw this up.

„Like I said: If you tell them the real reasons, they won't blame you... but you have to admit your feelings. Harvey, I'm dead serious, this will only work if you are going to tell them the truth. It's about Donna and it has always been about her."

He faced the floor now and watched the shoes of the surrounding people passing him. He knew she was right. „Thank you, Jessica."

„and Harvey?"

„yes?"

„I told Mike. I just needed someone to talk to when I met Kate for the first time. And I needed someone who knows when you lie, because I thought you would never admit how you are related to her. I'm sorry if I betrayed you or something, but he is your best fri-..." he cut her off and a little smile ran over her face because Jessica is not a person for apologies. He didn't even remember the last time she apologized to anyone. „It's okay. I'm just hoping he doesn't wait for me at JFK to bet my ass." he was kind of scared at the thought because he knew Mike would do this if it's necessary.

„Goodbye, Jessica."

The four-Inch black Manolo Blahnik's stepped out of the airport building and made their way to a cab.

„601 Lexington Avenue." she stroked a brown wave out of her face and crossed her legs.

New York's skyline appeared on the window and she starred at her former hometown.

Back in New York, Harvey got off the elevators and hoped that he won't run into one of his colleagues, because he still had no idea how to tell them.

When he saw Alex crossing the hallway in front of him he stopped for a second. It seemed like he hadn't seen him, that's good.

Oh my god what is he doing, this is not a chase, he works here in the position he loves and his partners are his closest friends. They are like family, he can't hide for the rest of his life. And he definitely can't run away from that problem anymore.

He decided to go straight ahead to his office. If he met someone, he will tell them. He would explain the situation and that he lied to them about his visit in Chicago because he was afraid to tell them.

He was determined and went on walking when suddenly someone beat against his shoulder from behind.

„I see you are back in town from your little secret journey." he winced at the touch of Samantha's hand and looked at her with a frightened expression.

„Samantha, good to see you. How is that Delta case going?"

He swore to himself he would tell them about Kate right away. And now the first thing he asked Samantha was about a random case he didn't care about.

„The case is doing great, but you'd better tell me what you were doing in Chicago the last days..."

She sent him a knowing smile combined with an expectant gaze.

„The receptionist told you, didn't she?" he said and tried to hide his anxiety.

„Of course she told me that you were presenting Jessica." she stepped in front of him.

„but she also told me about your entire conversation and that you had the chance to talk to one of us and you didn't." her serious gaze starred at him with an expectant expression.

„Samantha, I-..."

„Harvey, when I asked the receptionist who you were able to talk to, she said Ms. Paulsen. I didn't remember the last time you avoided talking to Donna and neither does Louis, Alex or Katrina. We know it's something personal and everybody was frightened about your disappearance. These people care about you and you can talk to us about whatev-..." he cut her off. She was right and he knew it. It's time. He repressed it for the last 14 years but know but now it puts a strain on him like never before.

„I'm married, Samantha." these words left his lips without thinking about it and quieter than expected. Her shocked gaze met his apologetic expression.

„...and I never told anyone." he continued his sentence and waited for a reaction.

Samantha's face was still in shock and she didn't move a muscle for like 3 minutes.

„I expected that you are going to be confused... but is everything ok-..." it was her turn to cut him off.

„I can't even look at you right now." she shook her head and turned around to walk away.

„Samantha, what do you want me to say? I'm sorry?" she turned around and took aggressive steps towards him.

„Look, Harvey, actually I don't have a reason to be mad at you. I haven't been your partner for such a long time and I'm definitely not your girlfriend." she took another step towards him and looked at him with a serious gaze.

„But right across this hallway sits a woman in her office who loves you more than life itself and you're telling me right now that you are married. What do you want me to say?" his confused gaze found hers and his jaw stayed open.

„You think nobody knows, aren't you? Harvey, you two are so obvious." she rolled her eyes and turned around.

When she got off the cab her brown waved hair fell over the black coat. The white purse made her way onto her lower arm and her heels stepped through the big glass doors.

Uncountable gazes met hers and quiet a few men turned around to face the woman.

Arriving in front of the elevators she took her coat off and waited for the elevator doors to open.

A few seconds later she stepped inside with a determined smile on her face.

Harvey sat in his office and looked out of the window. He missed this view and the flair of his hometown, but he didn't spend a thought on work right now. He played with a pen between his fingers and thought about the last time he sat here: He was waiting for Jessica to call him and had no idea what she wanted to ask him and then suddenly a phone call changed everything.

„Alex, whatever you are doing, it's not important anymore. Go to Louis and tell him to wait there for me. I will go and get Katrina." Samantha said in a serious tone that told Alex not to ask for a reason. He just had to do what she wanted him to do.

Samantha went on walking to the opposite side of the floor to look for Katrina.

When Alex arrived in Louis's office he sat down on the couch.

„Any problems with a case?" Louis asked with a confused gaze.

„No, Samantha told me to wait here." Alex faced him with a confused expression too.

„Did she said why?" Louis said annoyed because he was not a friend of not-knowing what's going on in his firm.

„No, she didn't. And when you are faced by Samantha Wheeler with a no-matter-what-you-are-going-to-say-I-won't-answer-a-question gaze, you don't ask _wh_ y." Alex shot back.

„She said she will go and get Katrina." Alex continued his sentence.

„Then I know what it's about." Louis stood up and walked around his desk. He leaned back on it and his expectant gaze feel on the glass door.

„And would you mind if you're going to tell me what it's about?" he stood up too and and sent Louis a questioning gaze.

Just then Samantha and Katrina came in. Samantha closed the door behind them and leaned against the glass front.

„Harvey is back." Samantha bit on her bottom lip and tried to hide the fury over her previous conversation with him.

„Alright, congratulations, but does he really needs such a celebration for his appearance?" Alex said with an annoyed expression and stood up.

„Alex, sit down. There is something we don't know yet." Louis faced Samantha now.

When she got off the elevator she was standing in front of the big silver letters that wrote Zane Specter Litt on the wall.

„My name looks pretty good on that wall." she smirked and turned around to pass the reception area. The receptionist looked kind of busy so she pretended that she knew exactly where she was going to.

Okay, in general she had no idea where she is, but for sure she is going to meet someone who would tell her where to go.

She walked down the hallway and looked into every office she passed. She was very interested in visiting this place for the first time and she was kind of proud to be here. She crossed the corner and saw 4 lawyers discussing in an office. Her gaze fell on the two good dressed blonde women and she would've noticed the Victoria Beckham dress from miles ago.

The two man were looking at her now. The smaller one had about 80 teeth when he smiled, but seemed cute with his well-chosen suit. The coloured man starred at her, in the way like he never saw a woman in a black dress before.

Her confused expression turned into a smile when the two women turned around too. Their faces were kind of shocked now.

It wasn't such a comfortable situation but she tried to hide her uncertainty and just smiled at them.

She passed the office and went on walking quickly. Her black long-armed dress had a cutout on the back where thousands of diamonds sparkled in the sunlight that fell through the windows and shone through the firm.

Passing another office, she saw a very pretty redhead sitting on her desk and going through some files. She seemed kind of busy too, but when she looked up she sent her a friendly smile.

God bless her, she was the first person in this building who sent her a nice smile.

She couldn't help herself, but between her disorientation and the weird expressions of the other lawyers, she knocked on the woman's office door.

„Oh my god." Samantha hold on to the glass door and her hand shored her forehead now.

„Samantha, what's wrong?" Katrina asked his a serious and wondering gaze.

„Did you know the brown haired woman who just passed the hallway? If she is going to have a job interview, she will definitely get the position. I have never seen her before in the firm, but I could get used to work with her." Alex teased and looked at Samantha with an expectant gaze.

„She can't be here for a job interview, we are not looking for anyone." Louis shot back and rolled his eyes.

„Samantha can you please tell us what's going on? What did you want to tell us about Harvey?" Louis was looking at her now and his expression went serious.

„Or you'd better tell us something about-..." Samantha knew exactly what Alex is going to say and she was about to explode now so she cut him off before there would be another pointless comment.

„This is Harvey Specter's god damn wife and she is on her way to Donna's office." Samantha said louder than expected. After her serious and shocked gaze faced the other's, she nearly ran out of Louis's office to avert the meeting between Donna and Kate.

„Can I help you?" Donna sent the unknown woman a friendly smile.

„I think so." she smiled back and took a few steps towards the redhead's desk.

„I'm looking for Harvey Specter." When his name left the woman's lips Donna's smile started trembling a little bit, but just like a good actress, she covered it quickly.

„I passed the reception without asking for him and now I'm a little bit lost." a laugh escaped her and she put the white Hermés from her forearm into her hand.

„His office is at the end of the hallway, but I think you won't meet him there. He is out of town at the moment." Donna looked back down on her files and didn't expect an answer from the woman.

„Ohh, I'm sure he is back." Kate said and nodded to herself.

When she was about to turn around, Donna stopped her.

„Wait." Donna looked in her direction again with a confused gaze.

„His partners took over his cases for the time he is absent, so if you are a client, he is not responsible for your case at the moment." she noticed how the woman's smile fade and turned into a knowing expression. She seemed like she doesn't really care about if he is still working on his cases and that she has no idea what Donna was talking about.

„You aren't a client, aren't you?" Donna stood up now and walked around her desk.

„Okay, you got me. No, I'm not a client." Kate tried to avoid her gaze for a few seconds, but faced Donna again with an honest smile.

„I don't want to waste your time anymore, so I will go and look for him now. When I'm going to see some baseballs, basketballs or records, I'll know that I'm right." A cute laugh escaped her and Kate turned around and started walking out of the office.

„Wait, what?" Donna needed a short time to realize that this random woman just mentioned 3 of the most important things in Harvey's life.

Kate turned around again when she heard Donna's question.

„Ohh, Baseballs, Basketballs and records? He is so obsessed with Baseball and he always collected Basketballs with signatures. His dad was a-..." she cut her off.

„I know." Donna shot back and gave her a wondering expression. Something was definitely not right in that moment. You need to know Harvey longer than just a month to know these things about him. Especially the thing with the records and his dad.

„Who are you?" Donna sent her a confused, but expectant gaze. She is Donna, she knows everything. But this time she had no idea who was standing in front of her. And she definitely wasn't ready for this:

„Ohh, I'm sorry for not introducing myself, I'm Kate Specter." she smirked and sent Donna an apologetic gaze.

Donna stood there is shock. She looked into the woman's deep blue eyes when a shiver went down her back and her whole body covered with goose bumps. The name repeated on her brain in loop.

 _Kate Specter_

 _Kate Specter_

 _Kate Specter_

Donna's gaze fell down on the woman's wrist.

 _K.S._ was embroidered in white letters on the dress.

Her gaze went from the wrist to the woman's fingers. On the left ring finger there was a silver ring with a diamond on top.


	7. Almost is never enough

_A/N: So this chapter is an one-shot about Harvey's proposal to Kate._

 _Actually I had no intention of writing something like this and I'm sorry for this massive cliffhanger but I felt like you need to see a bit more of the relation Harvey and Kate had to each other so you can understand why it's kind of difficult for Harvey to let go of their marriage._

 _I know seeing Harvey being so cute with another woman breaks every Darvey fans's heart. But please read it - it's really cute._

Chapter 7: One shot - We almost had it all

Harvey opened the door of their apartment and threw his keys into the metal bowel on the kitchen counter. Looking around and searching for his girlfriend he put his phone onto the dining room table. When he saw today's date appearing on his lockscreen, just above the picture of Kate sitting next to him in the car and looking gorgeous as hell, a wide smile covered his face.

„Where is my birthday girl?" he called through the apartment with a way too exited tone.

His smile grew even brighter when he saw Kate coming through the door of their bedroom. Her hair was on point, as always. The big brown waves fell perfectly on each side of her head and some strands were in a half up ponytail.

„Where have you been for the past 24 hours?" her lips curled into a smile at the sight of Harvey and she tiptoed towards him in her oversized sweater which ended on her upper thighs and set one shoulder free.

„Uh, I don't know." Harvey took a few steps into her direction and closed the gap between them to pull her in for a soft, but passionate kiss. She smiled as their lips parted again and wrapped her arms around his neck to rest her head on his shoulder. His hands were on her lower back and pulled her as close as possible to him. He inhaled the scent of her fresh styled hair combined with her Victoria's Secret body spray.

„Come on, Harvey. I hate surprises, you know that." she loosened her grip and looked into his chocolate brown eyes while coming back to her flat feet.

„I went to the airport..." he said with an amused and kind of proud tone.

„To the airport?" her gaze was shocked now while she waited for a more detailed explanation.

„yeah, and then I flew to Los Angeles to get something done for your birthday..." he said it like it's the most normal thing in the world and looked down on her with teasing eyes.

„Oh my god, Harvey. I don't need anything, I told you." she slapped lightly against his chest and rolled her eyes. But of course she was happy to hear that he cared about her birthday present.

„You need to pack some of your favourite clothes and your passport in one of your holdalls now."

Her arms slid down his bicep in disbelief and her expression went more in shock and confusion than before.

„What, Why? Where are we goi-..." he cut her off.

„Stop asking questions, and get yourself over to the closet." he pushed the small of her back lightly into the direction of their bedroom.

When they were on their way to the airport, Harvey stopped the white 7-series on a parking spot next to the highway. Kate looked up from her phone and was kind of confused when she didn't see an airport building surrounding them. „What are you doing? I thought we are heading to JFK?" she tilted her head to Harvey and sent him a confused gaze.

„It's my girlfriend's birthday today and there is one very important thing you can't miss out on her birthday." he turned his head into her direction and his face showed a boyish grin before getting out of the car.

Harvey waited in the line at the counter and played with his wallet between his finger until it was his turn to order.

„Can I get a venti Iced Chai Tea Latte, please?" he said and looked on the menu which hung on the wall just above the head of the cashier. He repeated it on his mind a thousand times to make sure it was the exact drink and size she likes, even if he knew it was the right one.

„Sure, your name?" the young blonde woman sent him a smile and prepared the felt pen to write something down on the cup.

„Actually, it's for my girlfriend. Her name is Kate."

You can't miss the proudness in his expression when he said that.

„Everyone deserves a man who gets his girlfriend a Starbucks. She is one lucky girl." the woman said in a sweet tone while writing Kate's name on the surface of the cup.

„It's her 26th birthday today and I will take her on vacation. She is waiting outside in the car and she has no idea." She looked up to face Harvey again and leaned her head to the side in adoration.

„That's wonderful, I hope you have a great time." she handed her colleague the cup over and started tapping Harvey's order into the cash machine.

„When we will come back, you can prepare a drink and write my fiancées name on it." in general he wasn't a person who was keen on telling everybody about his personal life, but for some reason he wanted the whole world to know what he was going to do today.

„Oh my god. I'm so happy for you." the cashier looked at him and didn't know how to put her happiness into one expression.

„She deserves the world." he nodded to himself while thinking about how he get so lucky. He almost had it all.

„Happy Holidays and I wish you all the best for the new year." she handed him the recipe and sent him friendly smile.

„Same for you, thank you." Harvey said in a grateful tone and went to the end of the counter to pick up Kate's drink.

When he got back into the car he held the drink in Kate's direction and looked at her with charming eyes. She took it out of his hand and placed the straw between her lips. When she noticed the taste of cinnamon on her tongue her eyes widened and she tilted her head to face him.

„You know my Starbucks order?" she didn't expect to be so shocked about her boyfriend knowing which drink she likes best but for Harvey Specter this is kind of a big deal.

„Of course I do." her shocked expression turned into a bright smile and she remembered what all this is about. It's her birthday and she is sitting in a freaking amazing car next to her handsome boyfriend who just bought her her favourite Starbucks drink before taking her to the airport for a secret vacation. How did she get so lucky...

She put her palm on his cheek and he let his head fell into her hand. She brushed her tiny fingers on his skin and they locked eyes.

„That's so cute. Thank you." is all she managed to say. It was such a small thing, but it means the world to her.

„What's my Pizza Hut order?" she bit on her bottom lip and looked up from her phone to face Harvey whose eyes were on the road. Since they went on driving from Starbucks she thought about how attentively he is. She never noticed he has an actual idea of what she is ordering.

„What?" she could see the confusion all over his face even he wasn't looking at her.

„My all-time order at Pizza Hut." she said and couldn't suppress giggling anymore because of how obvious he has been... He knew exactly what she just asked.

„Why do you ask?" his gaze met hers now for a second. His lips curled into a smile when he saw his girlfriend's lips parting to show him her precious smile.

„I was surprised you knew my favourite Starbucks even when I'm the one ordering our drinks every day." she said while she was taking a sip of her drinks and swirled the crushed ice around in the plastic cup.

He was silent now. Not because he didn't know what to answer, because he knows exactly what to answer, but because he wanted to tease her a little bit.

After a minute of him not answering she paid attention to her phone again and scrolled down to read her recent messages.

„Peperoni pizza with a little bit of oregano, salt and pepper." the sentence echoed through the car some minutes later when they were just about to arrive in front of the airport building.

He tilted his head to face her and sent her a knowing gaze with a wide smile.

She looked at him in disbelief but reciprocatedhis smile soon. He knows. He really does.

„Where did I buy these shoes?" she pointed down to her rose gold Jimmy Choos and smiled at the memory. She looked up to face him now and noticed his eyes were focused on the road but he couldn't suppress a laughter anymore.

„So, you really want to play this game?" still looking straight ahead he shook his head.

„I don't want to play any game, it's just a question." she said and took a box of chewing gum out of her purse. After putting one into her mouth she held the box into Harvey's direction, knowing he will take one. He stretched out his hand and grabbed one of the gums.

„You bought those in Milan, in October last year. Or better to say: I bought these for you." he said a little bit incomprehensible because he just started chewing. His bites showed a smile when he teased Kate again with his intimation.

„You are so generous..." she rolled her eyes at his comment but giggled under her breath.

„I know." his proud gaze met hers now. He still couldn't believe what he is going to do. He just looked at the woman next to him and knew that he is the luckiest man on earth.

„Am I allowed to mention that we spent 3 hours in this store because a certain woman couldn't decide which shoes to take?" he couldn't resist on bringing this up.

„Ohh, shut up." she slapped her hand against his shoulder and looked down at her shoes proudly. It was worth all the time they spent in the store.

„But I'm impressed you knew it." she added and sent him a sweet gaze now.

„I told you we don't have to play this game." he sent her a confident gaze back.

„and I told you that this is not a game." she took another sip of her drink and thought about another question.

He was about to park the car in front of the departure area so she had to come up with something quickly...

„Which make-up product do I use to get my eyebrows done?" she couldn't suppress the chuckles that escaped her when he tilted his head towards her with an ‚are you serious?' expression.

„Babe, I know a shit about make-up." he didn't know whether to laugh or to be annoyed, but after meeting her still expectant gaze, he decided to go with a grin. He wasn't very keen on spending 3 hours on a plane next to his soon-to-be fiancée when she is in an annoyed mood.

„No no no no, you know it!" her voice was determined now. She turned in her red leather seat now, brown waves swinging over her right shoulder, to face him completely.

After thinking for a few seconds he looked back to see her deep blue eyes bored through him.

„This little brown powder thing?" he rose an eyebrow and attempted not to sound as stupid as he felt in that moment, but have you ever tried explaining to your girlfriend which make-up products she uses? All these freaking things look exactly the same.

„Yes! Which brand? You know that!" she literally jumped out of her seat.

„Anastasia... and something... ? ABH?" Harvey was stunned by his own words.

„Anastasia Beverly Hills, yes." her left hand found his cheek and stroked stubbles of his beard in adoration. He tried to answer even if he had no idea what to say.

„Oh my god, all the trips to Sephora were worth it!" she slapped him lightly against his shoulder in memories of him following her through the store and exchanging looks with other men who had been forced by their girlfriends to spend 2 hours in a store full of make-up.

1 hour later they stood in the line to check in their luggage. When it was the couple's turn they stepped in front of the airport employee.

„I need your passports and your boarding cards, please." Kate handed her passport to the young man behind the counter. Harvey hesitated before handing his passport and their boarding cards as well.

Kate's gaze fell on the the written destination on their boarding cards. She read the word for what must have been like 10 times before checking if that's _her_ name on top of the card. And it was, of course it was, but she has been just speechless. Her fingers were shaking when she took the piece of paper into her hand. She read it over and over again, until she felt Harvey's hand on her fingers to push it lightly down on the counter.

„We're flying to the Bahamas?" her eyes locked with his and she couldn't help herself but turned her stunned expression into the widest and confused smile ever.

„You've always talked about the Bahamas, so I know it's on your bucket list..." he said it like it's the most normal thing in the world to surprise your girlfriend on her birthday with a trip to the place she always wanted to visit.

Her gaze switched between him and the boarding cards now. She didn't even know what to ask or what to say first. In general, she didn't want to say anything because she was just the happiest woman alive right now and could never express her love for him and how grateful she is.

He took her hand in his and squeezed it lightly. Pulled back in real life she realized a completely different fact and her expression turned more and more stunned.

„Harvey, it's one day before New Year's Eve, it's freaking expensive to go there now."

He smiled in response, amused by how thoughtful she is. It wouldn't be Kate if she wouldn't think about every little detail before expiring the real happiness.

„Do I have anything to do with my girlfriend's birthday being on December 30th?" he teased and earned an sheepish grin from Kate. She shook her head in disbelief. This man is just crazy.

„I love you." her eyes sparkled with gratefulness.

They were interrupted by the airport employee, who just finished checking their passports and boarding cards, when he asked for their seat preferences.

„Happy Birthday." he whispered and squeezed her hand just a little bit more, giving her a wink.

—

They were sitting in the seating area at their gate waiting for the flight attendants to announce the priority boarding for the first class.

Her legs lay casually on top of his lap and he checked some E-Mails while stroking her knees with his other hand. She starred at him until he turned his head to the right and faced her grin.

„What?" he frowned his eyebrows.

„You know, we could've visit our Hampton's house instead of going overseas for God knows how much money?" she leaned her head against the backrest of the leather seat facing him with an expectant expression.

„I'm sorry, do we know each other?" he suppressed a chuckle. That question is so Kate-like.

Of course they could've visit their house in East Hampton and for sure she would've loved going there too but he wanted to surprise her with something she doesn't see coming.

„Very funny." she slapped him against his arm.

„Did I mention we're flying first class?" her mouth stayed open and she rolled her eyes.

„You are unbelievable."

Some hours later they walked down the beach. Kate was dressed in a white tank-top with a low-cut back and a black skirt, paired with white vans.

Harvey wore a pair of blue jeans and a white dress shirt.

Luckily, Kate wore something not so casual - she would never forgive him if she would've worn shorts at their engagement.

The thoughts about her outfit calmed his nervousness. It took every bit of self-control in him not to start trembling. He felt the little velvet jewelry box in his pocket and watched her from the corner of his eye. The sun was about to set down so he knew the time has arrived.

„Oh my god, this is insane. I didn't know there exists such a wonderful place on this planet." her voice pulled him out of his thoughts and she stopped walking.

„This is literally the best birthday I've ever had!" she took both his hands in hers and closed the gap to gave him a brief kiss.

„And it's only getting better." He smiled into the kiss and didn't know where this easiness to say those words came from.

„No, Harvey, stop it. I got more than enough surprises and presents today." she pulled back and looked into his eyes and couldn't hide a smile.

He took a few steps ahead and led her with him. Some minutes later they stood in front of a dining table. Kate fixed her gaze on the Candles, white roses and high quality tableware on the table and spotted the engravings on the wine glasses.

 _Her initials and Harvey's initials_

‚What the hell is he doing? Harvey Specter would never in a million years pay attention to tableware'

she thought.

When she felt him unlocking his fingers from hers she turned around to face him again. She saw him taking a deep breath and fixing his gaze on the sand for a second.

„Harvey, what-„ he cut her off, took both her hands in his and looked into her eyes like nothing else mattered in the world.

„The first time I met you it wasn't love at first sight. My love for you formed gradually. Your personality, your voice, your hair, your eyes, your humor, the way you looked away and smiled, gradually it all came clear to me. You were exactly what I was looking for. And suddenly all the love songs where about you. You were the one I was looking for in a crowd. I wanted to wake up to you at 2am, roll over, see your face, and know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be." he saw tears running down her face and brushed them lightly away with his thumb. She didn't make an effort to lean into the touch. She just stood there and looked at him. He knows that she always wanted him to propose and that buying a wedding dress one day was one of her biggest dreams. He would've married her the day he met her, but he knows what she deserves and he want to be the man being able to give this to her. All of it.

He was so grateful that she never put pressure on him to propose even if he knew she wanted it.

He tried to find a way to express the love he has for her, but it seemed impossible.

He chose the short, but promising way. Harvey bent down on one knee and took out the little black jewelry box. The second he opened it a bright shining diamond appeared. The light reflected in her glassy eyes and made them sparkle. Her mouth fell open before she could cover it with her hand. It was the exact same ring she showed him years ago, but she didn't even know they are still producing it. Maybe that's why he went to LA to get it?

„You're the first person I ever loved. And no matter what, I will always love you." they locked eyes and his heart was about to beat out of his chest now. Nothing could describe his nervousness in that moment, but when a smile appeared on Kate's face he knew why he was doing this and that it's the right thing. That it's the best decision he has ever made.

„Kate Nicole Hawkes, will you marry me?" unexpected tears formed in his eyes when he saw her nodding immediately. She pulled him up and embraced him with the widest smile on her face. He lifted her off the ground, her arms went around his neck as he spun her around. She let out a laugh and buried her head into the crook of his neck.

When he set her gently back on her feed she pulled him in for a kiss full of happiness and passion.

—

They flew back to New York on the next day, because spending New Year's Eve with their families and friends is very important to Kate.

They were waiting for their airport shuttle in the hotel lobby now. Harvey sat on a big white couch next to their luggage thinking about what. happened yesterday. He has to admit that he can't believe he really did this and kept in as a secret for so long. He planned this months ago. He got _everybody_ involved. From her mom and dad, to her sister, to her best friends, to the hotel manager, to the Chief of surgery.

He knew that the Bahamas were definitely one of her dream vacations and that she thinks beach weddings are ‚ _one of the most precious things that can happen to a woman_ '. Some years ago she showed him a wedding ring on the internet... she couldn't get her shit together about this little silver shining thing. He remembered the homepage of the jewelry and screenshotted the exact same ring on his laptop a couple of days later. This is the only freaking screenshot existing on his laptop and he hid it in the trash file so she won't find it. He flew to LA to get this ring, _I mean, whatever makes her happy_. It's specially made and they wouldn't send it to him because of it's high value.

Harvey spotted her frame coming into the lobby again. He smiled to himself while thinking about how he had put up all these things here just to make that beautiful woman walking towards him happy.

Kate went to get them some drinks and snacks for their incoming waiting time at the airport. When she arrived in front of him she put the bottles and sandwiches down on the coffee table and grabbed her purse so she can sit next to her fiancé.

„I got us some Fiji water and Chicken Fajitas. Hershey's is in my holdall." She said, pointing in the direction of her LV Keepall Bandoulière holdall.

She crossed one leg so it was touching his knee, snuggled closer into him and scrolled down her phone to do the online check-in for their flights.

They fell in a comfortable silence until Harvey saw Kate sending a picture of her engagement ring to one of her friends.

Pictures of her looking up at him with tears welling up in her eyes and smiling in disbelieve until she took her hand to cover her mouth floated his mind. The deep blue eyes he fell in love with when she waved at him in the hallway of their Highschool. The perfect cheek bones, the soft skin and the perfect eyebrows along with the brown always-wavy hair made this seem like a dream. But at the end of the day it all came down to her smile. He swore that he will do whatever it takes to protect that smile as long as he lives.

„You should've seen your face yesterday." her head shot up at his comment.

„What do you mean?" she asked.

„I've only seen you that happy once in our relationship before..." he teased and turned around to face her completely.

„And when was that?" she asked and put her phone down in amusement.

„When you were allowed to do the first..." he stopped for a second. „don't say it, I know it..." he continued determined. „running whipstitch...? on your own." He isn't exactly an expert in cardiology related terms but he remembered that day very clearly.

—-

Harvey sat in the waiting area on the ground floor of Mount Sinai like most Saturdays. The clock passed 9 pm and Kate's shift should've been over now.

When your girlfriend is an intern you will experience much patience when it comes to picking her up from work.

Her 4 colleagues came down the stairs and he could've seen they were gossiping about his girlfriend from miles ago. No bad gossip, because they belong to her closest friends, but being an soon-to-be surgeon is always about being better than your competitors.

Kate is very determined and passionate when it comes to surgery. It has always been her thing and she does what she does best.

Alec Campbell was the first to speak when they arrived in front of him.

„Congrats man. Your girl got it." he slapped him against the shoulder.

„I can't believe it, she has Dr. Hicks wrapped around her tiny fingers." Lauren Melville continued and shakes her head in amusement.

Harvey remembered Dr. Hicks being the attending cardiothoracic surgeon and Kate idolizes him to death.

Brooke Middellton turned around to face her friends and said „you know cardio is her thing. Begrudge this surgery to her."

„Would you mind telling me what exactly she is allowed to do?" Harvey turned around in their small group until Chuck Dymond started explaining.

„Dr. Hicks will let her do a running whipstitch after the coronary artery bypass graft where he diverts the surgery left internal mammary artery so perfusion of the downstream vessel section is-..."

„I really appreciate your explanation, chuck, but I haven't understand a word since ‚running whipstitch'. By the way, what's that?"

„a special seam." Lauren answered.

—

„You're comparing our engagement to the cardiology?" she frowned her eyebrows at his comment. She expected everything but this. He is such an idiot.

„and what if I do?" she sent the sheepish look on his face an amused smile and rolled her eyes leaning his head against his shoulder.

—

„You can stop looking at it now. You will have it on your finger for the rest of your life." he said while undoing his seatbelt. She doesn't have the ring on her finger for more than 20 hours and it's the only thing she is paying attention to at the moment. Shifting it are millionth time to see it sparkle another time in the sunlight. Bringing it closer to her face to she could analyze everything about the diamond once more.

Hello, this is my fiancé

„It's so beautiful, I can't stop admiring it." she smiled, her eyes never leaving the piece of silver.

They are on the airplane back to JFK now.

an hour later Kate catches Harvey's attention with her question: „you see the 2 little girls over there?" she turned her face from him to a family sitting in the row in front of them on the other side of the airplane.

Two little brown haired girls with ponytails and matching outfits were playing on the laps of each of their parent's laps.

„they are so adorable." she added and turned her head back to face him. Her head was tilted the slightest to the side and a wide smile spread across her face.

Kate loves children and is good with them. If cardio wouldn't be her thing then Peds would be her specialists surgery. That's a fact.

„Their names are Blair and Lace." happened to be her next sentence when she was starring back at them. She must have listened to the parents when they called on of the girls by their name.

„I kind of like Blair." Harvey said. He didn't know where exactly this is coming from but he really likes the name and could tell by the surprising look Kate is sending him now that she is just as surprised as he is.

„you do?" she asked in disbelief with one raised eyebrow. Harvey talking about baby names is like Harvey practicing medicine instead of law.

„I do." he said drily and nodded

„Lace is such a beautiful name." Kate continued their previous conversation a few minutes later.

„Yes, it is." Harvey agreed and kept paying attention to his newspaper.

„but I think I would go with Kendall. I kind of like names with K..." he added and smiled with that Cheshire Cat grin into her direction.

„You're an Idiot." she rolled her eyes and bumped her shoulder against his.

„And would you go with Lace?" he asked.

Harvey doesn't really know how their topic changed to baby names right now but he kinda likes talking about it.

„I think we have something to discuss when we get home." she teased and switches her gaze between her fiancé and the girls over and over again.

„Just because... we're talking about this... now... do I have to pay for four first class tickets by then?" Harvey's expression was somewhere between shocked, desperated and amused and Kate couldn't suppress the laughter that escaped her seconds later.

„First of all we will start with three and second I wouldn't mind the economy class. This is all about you, mister. " she rolled her eyes and let her head fall back into the comfortable seat.


	8. How to save a life

_A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update but here is the long-awaited 8_ _th_ _chapter. I have to admit that I'm kind of scared about publishing this because I really didn't expect the story to go there… but, well, here I am combining my Grey's education with a Darvey drama. I really appreciate all the reviews, thank you!_

 _The lyrics is from Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol_

 _Are you ready for Donna's reaction?_

Chapter 8: How to save a life

She watched the woman disappearing down the hallway. The perfectly fitting dress - Dolche&Gabana, obviously - black, from the collaboration with Swarovski. The 4-Inch Manolo's were in Sale at Bloomingdales. The purse looked like one she would buy herself with Harvey's credit card for her birthday. Probably with a few black details, but yeah, she is in love with that bag. It takes her 23 minutes to get her hair done and 14 for the make up in the morning. She is probably about Donna's height and looks thin but sporty. No yoga - maybe running or tennis is her thing. How old is she? 39- that's a fact. She definitely has nothing to do with law and is not that kind of person who runs her own business. Maybe something like _saving lives_. Something social. Very successful woman, knows what and how to wear something and is definitely a match - for everyone. One big family drama - maybe a dead sibling, but happily married parents and well getting along sisters. And _of course_ they spend every freaking Christmas, Thanksgiving and Birthday together. She's a tequila girl... no martini. And who would've thought but her favourite place to get food will be Five Guys on 42nd Street.

She knows nothing about this woman but everything at the same time.

She is Donna, she can do things like that with everyone.

Dizziness came over her in the next moment and she put her hands down on her desk. She took a few deep breaths and waited for it to go away. The next thing she noticed was lightheadedness so she rounded her desk slowly to take a sip of water from her bottle. Suddenly walking in those heels - or in general taking one step after another became difficult and because all this wasn't enough she needed a toilet bowel very urgent. Otherwise she can search a company to clean the carpet she is standing on.

She walked down the hallway into the direction of the bathroom as fast as she could. Running was impossible but she really felt the need to throw up right now. Coming into the bathroom she crashed into one of the cabins to vomit herself into the bowel.

She sat next to the toilet for a few moments thinking about how unreal all of this seemed.

„What did you mean by Harvey's _wife_ ?" Katrina hurried out of Louis' office and spoke into Samantha's direction. She kept walking but had problems overhauling the other blonde.

„Samantha, wait." she called her by her name.

„There is no time to wait, Katrina. Or do you think I would walk that fast in 5-Inch heels voluntarily?" Samantha didn't even bother to turn around she just raised her voice a bit for the woman following her to understand.

Samantha approached to an empty office and stood breathlessly in front of the redhead's desk. „Shit." came out of her mouth. „Do you think she knows?" Katrina appeared next to her sensing how severe Samantha was about Donna's disappearance.

„If a woman who is wearing a 2000 dollar dress walks into Donna Paulsen's office, trust me, she will ask who is standing in front of her." Samantha said

„And I mean who wouldn't keep Specter as a last name, it's such an impressive name if you know what-..." Samantha turned around and the look on her face made Katrina cutting herself off.

„Let's go and find her." she said determined.

She didn't know how but after what felt like hours she found the strength to get to her feet again and stumbled forward.

When she looked into the mirror she couldn't stop herself from thinking about all the things she tried to hide for over a decade now.

Meeting him was fate

Becoming his friend was a choice

But falling in love with him was out of my control

Everything changed the day she went into that bar. And because she couldn't stop doing her _Donna thing_ with a certain man walking towards the counter she ended up having drinks with him in the corner of the room.

She laughed even if his jokes weren't funny.

She smiled even if she just acknowledged how much of a dick he was.

She rolled her eyes even if all she wanted to do was admitting that sex do crossed her mind.

Have you ever tried to think about 12 and a half years while you were standing in front of a mirror having problems to breathe?

She didn't want to but she couldn't stop.

 _Adding vanilla to his coffee just because it's her favourite and she wanted to make it his as well._

 _Drinking scotch, joking around and looking at non-gentlemen-like drawings all night long while she couldn't stop herself from looking into these chocolate brown puppy eyes._

 _Lying when she said she wasn't into him when all her subconscious wanted to do was to confess it._

 _Fixing his tie when she couldn't stop thinking about how to take it off._

Then everything went blurry.

 _Handing him a coffee and secretly telling him that her biggest dream would be to be his wife for 7 years now._

 _Trying to explain to Louis that Harvey and her were a like this when she knew nobody could ever explain what he meant to her._

 _Helping him along with his relationship with Scottie when all she wanted to do was tell him that she is the one who is in love with him._

She noticed her hands grabbing onto something that could've been the sink and it that moment she noticed figures that could've been Samantha and Katrina coming into the bathroom.

 _Getting flowers from him when she couldn't understand how she got so lucky._

 _Sitting next to him in her apartment when all she wanted to do was to snuggle closer to him._

 _Leaving him when it was the one thing that hurt most in life._

„Oh my god, Donna you're okay?"

Katrina rushed towards her and grabbed her upper arm trying to support her, but she resisted. She took a small step backwards and put her hand up in defense.

 _Thinking about who would claim more of the sheets at night._

 _Looking through bride magazines just to picture him standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her one day._

 _Imagining what their children would look like._

 _Choosing him even when he isn't hers to choose._

„Who is she?" she said. Her voice trembling and louder than expected. Unable to look into her friend's faces she just starred at the ground.

Her vision - blurry from the tears she wasn't able to hold back anymore.

Her throat - dry from the words she couldn't say.

Her fingers - getting white because of the intense grip she used to hold onto the sink.

„Who is she?!" she cried. It took all of her strength to ask this question a second time. Forming sentences is kind of difficult when you're hyperventilating. She gripped the edge of the sink for dear life now.

„Donna, I think it's not my place to say." at Samantha's response she lost it. The hazel red-rimmed eyes rolled back while her bare porcelain knees dropped to the floor. Baby pink dress hitting white tiles followed by auburn waves meeting the cold marble floor. The last thing she recognised was Samantha screaming something about an ambulance into Katrina's face.

She couldn't see anything but him.

 _I'm sorry do we know each other_

 _I don't take vanilla in my coffee_

 _You're afraid you fall for me_

 _I don't want to lose you_

 _Marry me?_

 _You don't keep things from me_

 _None of this is your fault and I never want to hear you say that again._

 _You know I love you Donna_

 _I said I because I wanted to make you feel better_

 _I've been seeing Paula Agard_

 _That doesn't mean I want more_

 _Because you put me in this position_

 _Will you come back?_

„Wow, nice view. I miss Manhattan." The tall brown haired woman was leaning against the door frame of his office.

Harvey looked up from his files and couldn't believe who was standing in front of him until his eyes scanned the too-familiar body. The black dress ended just above her knees and hugged every curve perfectly. Hair is a little bit shorter than _well_ 14 years ago. „Kate" he starred at her in shock. Or desperation. Or disbelief. She couldn't tell „What are you doing here?" happened to be his next question.

She started walking towards the window while speaking. „Why do our conversations always start like this?" He pressed his lips in a thin line and stood up from his chair straightening his suit jacket. „I'm serious."

„Yeah, me too." she said without looking at him, just admiring the view of her former hometown. A short laugh escaped him at the comment. It's so Kate-like.

„Kate, is this about me not signing the divorce papers?" his voice got even more serious now. He has to admit that it never left his mind since the moment she told him about it in the hospital. _not for a second_

He noticed her turning around now. „You didn't?"

She didn't really expect that. I mean there has to be a reason why he didn't insist on getting divorced in the first place, but after keeping it as a secret for over a decade there must a be a person who he is hiding it from.

She couldn't even do that. Her family knows it as much as her old friends from Harvard do, her former colleagues at Mount Sinai and God even her present friends have heard about Harvey. It was one of the first things she told every boyfriend at the point when it got more serious.

Was there a time where he forgot about our marriage? Where he pushed it away like she was someone he doesn't know ?

 _I'm just carrying your last name, but heyyy, it's okay._

„No, I didn't." he just shook his head and said it like it's the most normal thing in the world.

Expressing world-changing things like it's nothing. Oh my god that's so Harvey.

She continued starring out onto the busy streets thinking about how he didn't change at all. Asking herself for the millionth time now why all this ended.

„Kate?" she heard him saying her name but it didn't get through her.

„Kate Nicole Spec-..." she turned around at the mention of her full name and started talking before she could think about how to say it.

„I got a job offer from Mount Sinai and from Cedars Sinai." she bit on her bottom lip and didn't really know how to expect him to react. She started working at Mount Sinai as an intern. She met her closest friends there, she and Harvey rented their first apartment, they got married, she became an attending. She associates this hospital so much with her career and even more with her personal life.

He knows that.

„Wow, that's great, I'm happy for you, these are two of the best hospitals in the country!" he walked towards her, arms stretched out on each side to show his support.

„Yes, they are." her smile faded slowly when she nods at his statement.

„Then what's wrong? Do you already have a favourite?" he noticed her reaction by the way her smile didn't reach her eyes. If he does all but know her.

„That's why I'm here..." she took a step forwards to close the gap and locked her eyes with his.

„You know I would always prefer Mount Sinai. I already made my decision." she bit on her bottom lip before continuing „and then you came to Chicago and... and I had the feeling that you wouldn't like me moving to New York again and working 5 km distant from you." she averted her gaze and starred at a random point in the office.

„What, no!" he took a step backwards in defense and you could tell by the look on his face that he would never expect her to say something like this.

He never had the intention to interfere in her life and to be honest he always hoped that she is living her best life. There were moments where the back of his mind wanted to remind him of her, so of course he never forget about her and her well-being. She really deserves it to be happy and he always wished for her to find someone again who is willing to spend the rest of his life with her.

He suddenly remembered the one time, after he told Donna he loved her and couldn't explain how.

He told Donna that she is one of the most amazing women he has ever met. He wanted to say _the most amazing woman_ , but in that exact moment his subconscious reminded him of the vows he has made.

„Harvey." it was her turn to pull him out of his thoughts now.

He responded immediately „This has been your dream since you were 17. You don't have to ask me if I'm okay with that." he smiled but she could tell he was dead serious. „Thank you, Harvey." she took a deep breath and smiled back at him when her hand found the side of his bicep. The tender touch felt so familiar and sent shivers down her spine. Stunned by this feeling she lingered her hand a little bit longer than necessary.

When she turned around to leave his office she stopped in the doorway. „By the way is there any secret food buffet I don't know about or why are all your colleagues walking down the hall?" she said facing him again.

Harvey frowned but laughed in amusement.

„As long as you don't want to eat in the bathroom there isn't." he took quite a few steps across his office until the pair stood next to each other again watching what must have been 20 associates passing his office.

He then took the lead and pulled her with him by the upper arm. Being a little bit surprised by the action _and by the touch_ she nearly tripped over her own feet and fell forward.

She would've hit the floor at this point if some strong arms wouldn't have caught her by the waist.

 _Mark this day._

 _I'm standing between Harvey Specter's god damn arms._

They exchanged looks and he knew she was okay and definitely wanted to get out of that situation.

Right now it was his turn to linger his hands a little bit longer were they shouldn't be.

When they arrived behind the crowd of ZSL employees everybody was talking and stunned faces met one another's. The crowd starting at the entrance of the bathroom ended up blocking the entire hallway but it seemed like no one cared.

„Hey, what's going on here?" Harvey asked an associate who was truly fascinated (or shocked, he couldn't tell) by what happened in the ladiesroom.

„It seems like one of our partners fainted or something. I don't really know what's going but _she is lying on the floor_ , that's a fact" the younger man explained.

She.

This word was like a trigger for Harvey to go into a protective mood because now, of all the partners at ZSL, there was the possibility that it could've been _her_ who was lying on the floor just a few steps away from him.

He looked to his left where Kate was standing and saw her nodding like it's an ‚I'm glad I can help'. He nodded back and heard her voice shouting seconds later: „Move please, I'm a doctor."

Kate made her way through the crowd until she saw the woman she remembered to be by far the friendliest person she has met in this building lying on the marble bathroom floor.

She hurried towards her and kneeled down next to her head. In this moment she noticed Harvey standing completely perplexed behind her. He didn't say a word, he wasn't shaking, he wasn't screaming. He just stood there in shook and panic.

Then she knew it

It's her.

He followed Kate through the crowd until he saw the 5-Inch Loubatins being situated on the floor.

He would recognise these shoes and their owner everywhere; unfortunately.

Shoes became a baby pink Dior dress, a dress became a freckled collarbone and neck. Collarbone and neck became face. He came to a halt and run a hand trough his hair.

Her name formed on his lips but no words came out. He couldn't stand the sight in front of him.

 _Because her heartbeat was like his breath_.

He should've rushed towards her and yell into Kate's face to help her and do something and call and ambulance or her parents or should've asked someone what happened but all of his common sense was gone. Instead he thought about something completely different.

This one night in her office comes and goes in waves. Right now he was drowning.

He felt her lips on his again, never wanting to let go. Kissing her back was wrong and he knew it, but as much as he struggles with infidelity, cheating is always a choice; not a mistake.

In that second he has made his choice.

It's always been her anyway but in that moment he decided for the first time to admit how he really feels about her. These two following seconds were the first time in 13 years when he felt right where he is supposed to be.

It felt like someone made him lose the ground under his feet. He didn't even think about how this happened and to be honest he cared a shit about it. It happened and he wasn't there.

 _I will never let anything happen to you_

He spent the past 3 days chasing around like a criminal, running away from everything. _away from her_. In general, this is the most awkward situation he has ever been involved in. The woman he has been in love with for 8 years of relationship and 1 year of marriage took care of the woman who has always been more than a secretary. For 13 years.

Brown waved hair crashed into the picture of Donna's face and pulled him back in real life.

„Okay, what's her name?" Kate shouted and was looking into Harvey's direction who said (absolutely unsurprisingly) nothing.

Katrina answered instead „Donna."

 _We don't need_

„Okay, Donna, can you hear me?" She directed her attention back to the patient. She waited a few seconds to see if she was responsive. She got no reaction.

She squeezed her hand to test her nociception. No reaction.

 _Anything_

„Okay, she is unconscious, call 911." she demanded to the crowd and starred at them until someone said that it's already done.

„I hope they will get here soon, I don't like her current state." she said to herself because that's what surgeons do to control their actions and get better control. But of course it hasn't been a good idea because Harvey stood behind her in that exact moment.

„What do you mean you don't like it? What's wrong?" Harvey said in a louder tone and raised his arms in anger from the position where he was standing behind her.

 _or anyone_

When she didn't respond to his question he got more and more angry and while his anger was built he forgot that he didn't care about what happened. It wouldn't change the situation but he started yelling at her anyway.

„What did you say to her ?" she didn't look up but knew this question was directed to her and came from the man standing behind her. His voice was furious but she knew him long enough to hear the fear and she didn't need to turn around to see his bottom lip was trembling and his jaw was clenched. This used to happen every time he was nervous about getting a response to a question.

 _If I lay here_

„Harvey, whatever you're going to ask me I won't answer because right in front of me on the floor of your firm, lays an unconscious woman and I'm trying to diagnostic what happened to your-..." she couldn't finish that sentence.

She closed her eyes to put everything together and to focus on her job no matter who is lying in front of her. His girlfriend? His best friend? His colleague? The love of his life?

And like nothing happened she ignored Harvey and went on taking care of the redhead.

„When did she lose her consciousness?" happened to be her next question.

„About 5 minutes ago." Samantha answered who stood at the beginning of the crowd fidgeting with her fingers.

Kate, who was kneeling at the top of Donna's head now, checked her face and her hair for any injuries.

 _If I just lay here_

„Looks like she got a nervous breakdown." Kate noticed. To diagnose something like that when you only have facts like state of consciousness or reaction to negotiation is nearly impossible, even for a surgeon. But Kate knows something that nobody else in the room knew. And as much as she wanted to ignore it, she was sure that it was her fault. She had no bad intentions, she just told the COO her name. How could she know that this might be the woman who is kind of special to Harvey. How could she even know Harvey is with someone at the moment. Or that this certain person lives in Manhattan let alone works with him in the same building.

At the mention of Kate's suspicion Harvey stopped seeing the sense in all this here.

How can she get a nervous breakdown? Everything Harvey can think of his her incredible smile. Her positivity and how she always sees the good in someone. He would do whatever it takes to protect that smile as long as he lives and- _shit, wrong vows to the wrong woman._

Donna getting a mental breakdown right after his wife walked into his office for the first time in 14 years. Of course it's a coincidence...

The hell it isn't

Is this his fault? Should he kept his mouth shut in the first place and just deny Jessica's allegations? How could he think go and see her was a good idea…

 _Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

„She struggles to breathe. Suspected Hyperventilation. And she is sweating." She lay her hand on Donna's forehead and listened more carefully to the sounds of her uneven breathing. Her hands moved to her chest to find attenuated lung sounds. Her other hand concentrated on the redhead's neck to find her pulse point.

„How is she?" Louis, who seemed relatively calm until now, asked worried.

Kate recognised the question but had no intention to respond to it. Instead she put more pressure onto different spots on her thorax. „Come on, come on, I need a stethoscope."

Louis took a few steps until he stood directly next to her. „I'm talking to y-." he said irately but was cut off by Samantha. „Harvey, can you tell Kendall Jenner over there that we want to know what's going on!" she all but yelled at him and gestured with her fingers into the brunette's direction.

Harvey and Kate both froze on spot. They tilted their heads in sync to face the crowd.

Her mouth fell the slightest agape while she drew her eyebrows just the tiniest bit together and even if she tried not to give too much away, everyone could tell she hurt in that moment.

Mentioning the name Kendall is like sticking a knife in their back twisting it. Harvey felt it and he knew Kate did exactly the same, because as a good and concentrated surgeon as she is he saw her eyes closing for the briefest second and her fingers starting to shake on Donna's neck.

 _I don't quite know_

Harvey took a step towards the crowd and pointed with a finger to where Samantha was standing. „Watch it, Samantha!"

She took a step backwards and realize that she must have struck a nerve.

Kate felt what must have been 100 eyes observing her movements and waiting for her to say something. „Okay, I got a pulse, it's very rapid" she said after a few seconds and earned a sigh of relief from everybody in the room.

 _how to say_

In that moment she heard two paramedics making their way through the crowd. Her hands still on Donna's pulse she turned her head to introduce herself. „I'm Dr. Specter, attending cardiothoracic surgeon at Chicago Midway." the younger woman and man nodded in response.

For those who didn't understand what's going on by now: ,Yes I have the same last name like Harvey Specter, and guess what, that happens when you're married!'

at least everybody knows now.

„She was already unconscious when I got here. She lost her consciousness about 10 minutes ago. No reaction to nociception." The two kneeled down on each side of Donna and started opening their bags.

 _how I feel_

„Rapid pulse but as far as I'm concerned stable blood circulation." she continued informing the paramedics. They handed her a blood pressure monitor and she put it onto Donna's arm.

„90/60 mmHg."

„That's too low." one of the paramedics said.

Harvey balled his fists on each side of his body.

Kate nodded in agreement. „She got hypotonic."

„She is going to be okay, is she?" Katrina suddenly asked. Instead of disappearing and letting a surgeon doing her work the crowd got bigger and bigger with Louis, Alex, Samantha and Katrina standing right at the front.

„Oxygen mask." Kate demanded and pulled it over Donna's head after taking it from the paramedic.

„Katrina that's hopeless. She's the queen of ignorance." Louis tilted his head to Katrina rolling his eyes.

„Give me a stethoscope, she got attenuated lung sounds on the left side." echoed through the bathroom. The female paramedic handed her one and she put it into her hears. Kate then started gliding carefully over the fabric of Donna's dress.

Her head shook subconscious when her suspicion confirmed, but she regretted it immediately because on the marble floor of this firm, not the smallest of her actions goes unnoticed. So she heard a by now unfamiliar voice tampering some seconds later.

 _those three words_

„Mrs. Specter..." Alex called her name with caution.

Simply ignoring it she put the stethoscope aside and gave an order to the male paramedic. „10mg Benzodiazepines."

„Shouldn't we give her Adenosine ?" he questioned a little bit confused at the mention of an psychoactive drug.

„Oh that's a great idea if you want her blood pressure to fall even more." she shot back and if looks could kill there would be nothing left to do for him.

„Okay, we have Diazepam." the man handed her the drug.

„Kate, please..." Harvey's whisper pulled her out of the rage. He nearly whines now and she knew if she'd turn around now, she would've seen something not many people get to witness: Harvey Specter's helpless, desperate and hurt face.

She administered the Benzodiazepines on auto pilot so Donna should calm down now but she noticed no betterments in breathing or pulse. „6ml Vasopressin." she demanded. „Place a 1,3 Peripheral venous catheter."

When there was no recognition of positive developments after the intravenous therapy Kate yelled to herself, head shaking „God damn it I need an electrocardiogram." Harvey turned around and put his hands up to cover his face while leaning his head back. Witnesses would've said he was crying.

She checked the pulse again and whispered some no no no no no's to herself. „She got tachycardia, 160 beats per minute"

 _are said too much_

Harvey lost it completely now and whined so loud she looked at him for the first time since they got here. „God damn it Kate, imagine this would be _you_ lying in front of a surgeon who doesn't tell _me_ a thing about your state. Wouldn't you want that I know how you're doing?"

She bit her bottom lip and tried to overhear it but she couldn't. „Her heart beats a way to fast." she didn't turn around or spoke to anyone directly but maybe it was her long-awaited response for all ZSL employees standing around her. It was the first time since ‚blood pressure monitor' that she spoke English though...

„Okay that's enough, get her on the stretcher." The stethoscope around her neck left the black Dolce&Gabana dress now and the tiny fingers with their perfect manicured nails moved to one side of the redhead. On hand under her head, the other under her lower back she started counting

„Everybody at my commando. 1, 2, 3." she made eye contact with each of the paramedics and on 3 they lifted her onto the stretcher. Kate pulled it with her while standing up so Donna ended up lying horizontally on the same height like her hips.

„What's her blood type?" she asked facing the group of partners.

„AB positive. And she is allergic to penicillin." the words left Harvey's mouth on instinct before even realising what the question was. They all turned around stunned. Samantha was frowning and mouthed a „how do you know that?"

Harvey thought „some years ago we were talking-..." but Kate's next sentence cut him off.

„Her last name?"

„Paulsen." They all answered simultaneously.

 _but not enough_

The male paramedic encouraged all associates and partners to leave the bathroom and get out of their way. They started pushing her out of the room when Kate felt Harvey rushing along the stretcher. „I'm going with you." he said.

„We're all going with her." came from Louis and in the next moment 8 people were rushing down the hallways of Zane Specter Litt.

„Emergency contact?" she went on asking while they started running.

„That'd be Harvey Specter." it was Louis' turn to respond.

„Are you serious?" Harvey turned around in shock. He didn't expect this. He thought maybe she would've give that job to her dad, everybody but him.

„You didn't know?" Louis frowned. Don't you tell your emergency contact in what position of power he is if something happens to you?

„No, of course not. She never mentioned it."

„Okay, Harvey if something happens, it's on you to decide what we're going to do next." Kate said as impartial as possible. Now it's her turn to say world-changing things like it's nothing.

 _let's waste time_

„You have a defibrillator in the ambulance, haven't you?" Kate asked the female paramedic as quite as possible. „Yeah sure. Do you think we are going to need it?" she responded. „I'm not sure, but her current state could cause a ventricular tachycardia." she bit her bottom lip and stroked some brown waved strands behind her ears.

Preoccupied in her conversation with the paramedic she didn't notice the action at first, but when she saw Harvey's fingers intertwined into Donna's she swallowed thickly. She has no right to thinks that way, and she hated it, but it bothers her. She would've asked to let go of the patient's hand if it would've been any other person but for some reason she didn't.

 _chasing cars_

„We're going to Mount Sinai, tell them I47 and I95, suspected F43.0 or F43.1." she distracted herself with the injunction to the paramedic.

They arrived in front of the elevators now and luckily the doors opened immediately when Alex pushed the button. They rolled Donna through the doors, Kate and the woman on the one side and the man on the other. „Come on, Harvey." Kate said while pushing the button to go down. He sent her a stunned gaze which turned into gratefulness the next second. „You are waiting here." she pointed with her finger to the other partners. Even if they didn't become her best friends through the events of the past hours she sent them a smile before the doors closed.

The 50th floor ride down felt like hours. Kate's eyes never left Harvey while his eyes never left Donna lying between them. He brushed a few auburn strands out of her face and rested his hand on the top of her head. Seeing her like this must hurt like hell and she couldn't stop thinking about if he would've reacted the same way if it was her being situated in front of him on the stretcher. She didn't even know what she wanted to say but she was looking for a way to calm him. „Harvey, -" but he cut her off before she could think of a way to continue. „Do you remember that I needed four attempts to ask you on our first date?" he didn't look up but she knew he was addressing her. She frowned and was taken aback but answered him anyway.

„I do."

„And that it took me 3 hours of dinner to get you to go with me to the prom?"

„I do." where is he heading with that?

„Well, I needed more than 10 years to tell her how I feel. And when the time arrived I couldn't even tell her how." her mouth fell agape at the admission. She didn't know.

She expected they have history together because of the way he acted through the procedure of her breakdown but she didn't see this coming. There isn't anything sadder than when two people are meant to be and something intervenes.

Donna didn't stop breathing by now but she's close to a ventricular tachycardia because the drugs didn't operate.

„I never told her." it came through a whisper and hit right into everybody's stomach in the small space. She starred through him but before she could say something the doors opened on the ground level.

As much as she wants to commiserate Harvey right now because he missed uncountable opportunities through the years to tell this woman that he's in love with her, getting off that elevator ha priority at the moment because otherwise he would never get a chance to confess his feelings.

„I'm going with her, so there won't be enough space on the ambulance." she said while running through the lobby.

„But you said-..." he stuttered while struggling to keep her speed _God I couldn't even walk in those shoes let alone run this fast._

„Yeah, I know what I said. I just wanted you to be the first person to get there." she bit the inside of her cheek trying to avoid his gaze.

When she didn't hear any protest she went on talking. „Like I said we're going to Mount Sinai. Just tell them... I'm your wife." she paused for a second. Saying this has always been weird after they broke up but saying this now _when she knows he is so desperately in love with another woman_ made it even harder. But being married to a surgeon involves certain benefits. „so you can see her."

„Kate, I..." he came to a halt. It's huge and he knew it. It's like using her to see another woman. Well, it's exactly that.

„It's fine, Harvey." she reassured him turning around and swinging her hair over her shoulder. She sent him a smile that didn't reach her eyes and continued running in the opposite direction.

„If it's possible then try to avoid ruining her dress... it's... it's one of her favourites." he shouted after her with a sincere voice

„Donna Paulsen, 39, Tachycardia. Suspected post traumatic or acute stress disorder. Pulse 160. Blood pressure 90/60. Got 10 mg Benzodiazepines and 6 ml Vasopressin." Kate said to the trauma surgeons while jumping out of the ambulance, gloves pulled over both her hands, Manolo Blahnik's dangling between her fingers.

„Call the cardio, she needs an ECG." she added.

On their way through the emergency room they met the Chief of Surgery who was kind of stunned to see the brunette running around in his hospital.

„Dr. Specter, I didn't expect the most successful cardiothoracic surgeon in the country to accept our job offer under these circumstances." he said while running next to her along with the stretcher where Donna was laying.

„Well, I didn't expect that either." she responded with a dry chuckle. She doesn't really have time at the moment for such a conversation.

„What do we have here." he must have sensed her mood so he switched his attention from surgeon to the redhead patient.

„Acute stress disorder with subsequent reaction. Tachycardia, Hypotonic and Hyperventilation. I was in attendance before the paramedics turned up." Kate explained.

„How do you know about the stress disorder?" he sent her a questioning gaze. If there wasn't a visible accident you can't just diagnose a stress disorder or nervous breakdown out of nowhere. The symptoms of low blood pressure, rapid pulse and fast heartbeat can be caused by a million other occurrences or diseases.

„I think I caused it."


	9. You'll never know

_A/N:_

 _I'm so sorry it took me so insanely long to update but I really needed to sort some tings out within the story. I also read a review that Harvey should end up with Kate because it seemed like he loves her, and not Donna. This isn't exactly where the story should head to but of course I'm trying to make it as interesting as possible._

 _Many things being mentioned in this chapter are based on chapter 7, the one-shot about Harvey and Kate's engagement, so if you haven't read it I can only recommend to read it before continuing with chapter 9._

 _(e.g. in the 7_ _th_ _chapter Harvey and Kate spoke about the name Kendall for a potential baby and Samantha called Kate "Kendall Jenner" in c8)_

 _Also one of the inters from Kate's time at Mount Sinai will have an appearance, so stay tuned who it is._

Chapter 9: You'll never know

The adjectives to describe his feelings weren't invented to date. There was an emptiness, the knot having formed in his stomach not willing to leave ever since the day Jessica called him. It was like a physical punch into his guts. He hasn't dealt with her name for fourteen years. Fourteen birthdays, fourteen thanksgivings and fourteen Christmases without her. The first year was probably the hardest. He remembered going to Saks fifth avenue on December 29th to pick up a present he never ordered. He placed two sets of tableware onto the kitchen counter when he sat alone through dinner on thanksgiving. He sent out invitations for a Christmas party that wouldn't take place.

In the first year he almost talked to every brown haired, 5"8 tall, good looking woman in New York City. Just to apologize for mixing them. _With her_. One year without Starbucks, Peperoni pizza, Fiji water, chicken fajitas and Hershey's. 365 days of avoiding Victoria's Secret stores (inhaling her cologne would probably kill him), Jimmy Choo, Tiffany and Co. and Sephora.

He was lucky she took the glasses with their initials with her. He couldn't stand opening a cupboard to pick out a random glass and suddenly being faced with all the memories he tried to put into a box and burry in in the back of his brain. Hell, he nearly broke into pieces every time a package was accidentally sent to his address and he saw her name on a tiny piece of paper in his living room. But time went by and thirteen years later he was done _ghosting_ her.

Subconsciously he knew that one day someone will find out about her. But he was never ready to face it. Who would it be discovering his pretty little secret? When Louis got a heart attack during trial and Jessica told them the best cardiologist of Mount Sinai is responsible for him he thought _that's it_. _That's the day_. Louis will be fine and get out of the hospital just to march into his office to say ‚Wow there was this pretty surgeon Dr. Kate Specter and for a second I thought she'd be your sister but then I realized that those perfect genes couldn't be related to you.'

When Donna bought a present for Scottie (because Harvey is a terrible gift giver; obviously) and revealed a glass with engraved initials from the Tiffany and Co. box he was about to ask if the idea came from Kate because he had the exact same present for her when they got engaged.

But nothing.

Who would accidentally meet her then? Donna and Rachel while strolling up and down fifth avenue? Mike while representing some case against her because a patient was suing her? He thought about every possible scenario but never, ever, about Jessica resigning, moving across the country and coincidentally being an alderman of the district where she has a meeting with the Chief of surgery in a certain hospital where in this exact moment a five year old got shot and the name of the attending cardiothoracic surgeon echoes through a hallway.

You can almost say it must have been fate to get to her.

So when Jessica confronted him about her he was willing to tell everyone the truth. _Why try?_ Why try to spend another decade lying to everyone, being afraid of someone meeting her and most of all being nervous to ran into her in a random Starbucks somewhere in Manhattan.

She wasn't there but was on his mind nonetheless. It became less over the years but she was there. She was toxic. He loved her so much it hurt and he never thought he would be ready to leave her but when it came to making a decision it was all of a sudden very simple. She wasn't the love of his life anymore but maybe she was the _best mistake_ he has ever made.

The decision to go and see her wasn't rational. He just thought if all this is going to come out he wouldn't bother facing her at all. He didn't want to interfere in any way in her life and she wasn't the person whose secret is going to be discovered. But when he came face to face with her it felt like her only intention was to _break his heart right back._ Little did she know through how much he went after their breakup but from one moment to the other she threw the words ‚divorce papers' against his head. If he signs is on him.

For every normal person your first action would've been to get a pen and sign these goddamn papers to finally bring this whole mess to an end. She would get everything they own and he would get his last name back. That's it. It's that easy.

But of course for being Harvey Specter it wasn't.

The last fourteen years he had a picture of her 26 year old self standing in the closet, dressed in just an oversized black sweater, yelling at him. Throwing on a pair of leggings and sneakers she left the apartment with one last glance in his direction. And then he never saw her again. Right now that memory changed to her 39 year old self standing in front of a surgery room in dark blue hospital outfit with her headgear in her hand and an silver shining way-too-familiar ring on her finger spitting the term divorce at him. And then leaving. Again.

Maybe all he wanted was to just not keep this memory. Maybe he needed _one last time_ to be happy with her.

He tried to keep it together, he really did. And he wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Donna. It was like he was drowning and she saved him. All those years she did exactly that. Most times without her even noticing. First from Kate, then from his Dad, from Scottie, from his mother, from facing prison to becoming managing partner before he was ready. She was there. She was the only one who was.

It all came down to this day but in the end things should've been _better left unsaid_.

„If you are emotionally involved I can't let you be her doctor." the chief remarked.

„Believe me, if you want me off this case you will be sued by Zane Specter Litt for god knows what." a dry laugh escaped her at the imagination but she knows the truth in her words. They're kind of family. „So am I getting authority or not?" she asked without letting room for an objection while she pushed the stretcher into a trauma room.

Harvey ran through the doors of the hospital towards the reception desk completely out of breath. „Donna Paulsen, she was brought in by an ambulance some minutes ago, she got a breakdown and..." he breathed.

„Are you a family member?" the nurse asked.

„No, but I'm the emergency contact." Harvey responded hopefully. If you are married to a surgeon you get to know some of the main rules in hospitals. One he remembers very clearly was: If you're not a family member of a patient you have absolutely no rights inside this building. But being Donna's emergency contact means he would've been the one they're going to call anyway, right?

„I don't have a patient file yet so as long as I can't confirm that, there is nothing I can help you wi-..." Harvey cut her off because he knew exactly where this is heading. He really didn't want to use Kate's offer but for Donna's sake he had no choice. „Actually," he paused unsure if it's the right thing whether to continue „I wanted to see my wife, Dr. Specter."

The nurse sent him a confused gaze. It seems like she has no idea what he is talking about. Oh, right, _Kate doesn't even work here yet_. Before he was able to finish this thought he was interrupted by a voice next to him.

„Specter? As in Dr. Kate Specter?" a blonde attending surgeon who was bringing some files to the desk asked. Harvey notices immediately if someone is an intern or a resident, attending or chief. In her intern time Kate always wore light blue, when she became resident dark blue. It's pretty simple.

When he turned around to face her it took her a few seconds to recognized the familiar person. „Harvey?" she stuttered. She was stunned to hear Kate Specter's name let alone seeing Harvey Specter again.

„Lauren..." he identified her after a few seconds have passed. He would really like chatting with her about the crazy contingency that they just met again after 14 years. He remembered her being the pretty blonde intern who was running around stealing surgeries from his girlfriend. Or sharing drinks with Kate when she had a bad day. But now was not the time for catching up about each other's life.

„Kate is here. Can you go and look for her? It's very urgent a... _friend_... of mine has been brought into the emergency room some minutes ago and they won't let me see her but I think Kate is responsible for her." he said urgently.

„I get it, if she's here I'll let you know where to find her." Lauren understood better than to ask any questions.

„I assume if I see someone running around with Loubatin's in a trauma room, I found her." she added.

„Manolo's." Harvey escaped a desperate laugh.

—-

„I can't believe it. The Cardiogod is back in business." echoed through the trauma room. Kate was busy making an EKG of Donna's heart but looked up and turned around as soon as she heard the familiar voice.

„Lauren?" she was taken aback by the presence of her former colleague and very good friend. It wasn't _impossible_ to see her here because when they finished their years as residents and Kate went to Chicago, Lauren played with the idea of staying at Mount Sinai.

„How did you know I'm here?" Kate asked.

„Harvey told me." the blonde surgeon shrugged like it's nothing. She knew it wasn't her place to request why exactly Kate and her husband are in the same building right now _and it definitely wasn't her place to ask how the readhead in front of her was involved in this_. That's why she just responded with facts. Harvey needed to find Kate, Lauren found her.

„Wait, what? You spoke to Harvey? Oh god this is weird." she frowned but a small smile made it's way over her lips.

She turned around again paying attention to the intern assisting her and nodded „EKG is okay, I want to make an echo just in case but she should come back to consciousness every minute."

„What happened? Harvey seemed really concerned about her." she heard Lauren speak again.

„Well, she got a nervous breakdown, got tachycardia, became hypotonic. Suspected acute stress disorder." Kate took a deep breath and explained on medical terms what happened. She let the _actual_ bunch of events out.

„Wow, that diagnosis is risky." she remarked.

„Apparently, I think I caused that breakdown." the brunette didn't see the reasons in denying and tiptoeing around the elephant in the room anymore so she thought _screw it_.

„What the-„ Lauren started but Kate cut her off.

„I really don't want to talk about it. But I know you won't let it go anyway so long story short: That's Donna Paulsen, 39, COO at Zane Specter Litt, has kind of a special connection to Harvey which I don't really understand and she didn't know I'm existing. I had absolutely no idea who she was but I told her my name and I think she put one and one together and realized that I'm not his sister. Then she got a nervous breakdown." she didn't left a space for the other surgeon to respond before continuing „And Lauren, would you mind looking after her? I don't know how she'd feel about me being the first person she sees when she wakes up, but I want someone to be responsible for her whom I trust."

„Of course, Kate." the blonde nodded before Kate left the room.

She opened one eye after the other. Everything seemed blurry at first until the foreign surroundings came into focus. The last thing she remembered clearly was Samantha and Katrina seeing her at her worst in the bathroom. Between the screams and shouts her memories fade into the dark. But there was something else. Somewhere, very quiet, in her subconscious she heard his voice

 _God damn it Kate, imagine this would be you lying in front of a surgeon who doesn't tell me a thing about your state. Wouldn't you want that I know how you're doing?_

She assumed she is in the hospital right now. Besides the beeping of the machines next to her everything is quite. Based on the luxury looking patient room and the comfortable bed she believes it's Mount Sinai. Her gaze fell onto a shelf next to the wardrobe on the far end of the wall. Her baby pink Dior dress being neatly folded. Her gold shining Louboutin's next to it.

It was then that she noticed the door opening and her gaze wandered from the shelf to the door. A blonde surgeon came into the room.

„Oh, hey, Donna you're awake. That's great, you scared the hell out of us. I'm Dr. Melville." she smiled and took the patient chart from the end of her bed. Donna made no effort to respond to her. She turned her head to the left and starred out of the window.

„EKG and echo were good, you got a stable blood circulation and normal heartbeat. Looks go so far." she observed.

„Do you remember what happened?" Lauren asked. Donna didn't even bother to look at her so she went on talking.

„It's completely normal for people who were unconscious to not remember the situation they've been going trough." she said reassuringly.

„It's written here that you got a nervous breakdown in the bathroom of your firm, a surgeon was in attendance. Your heart started beating very fast, your blood pressure was too low and you didn't respond to the drugs the paramedics gave you. Because you were unconscious and struggled to breathe your state could've caused a worse form of tachycardia so they decided to take you to hospital."

„Donna?" but she kept on refusing to look at her.

„There are a bunch of people waiting outside your room." she said confident. But before she could say anything else about Donna having adorable friends she was cut off by the suddenly willingly to communicate patient.

„I don't want to see anyone." Donna said dryly. She had a glimpse of tears in her eyes.

„Can you make sure they don't get to see me? Don't I have any rights for that?" She turned her face from the window to face the blonde.

„Uhh, of course. I will come back later." Lauren nodded and she noticed that was her cue to leave.

Louis and Samantha rushed down the hallway, Katrina and Alex decided someone had to stay at the firm, to see Harvey being seated in a chair next to the wall. Completely out of breath Louis asked „How is she? Did the doctors already spoke to you?"

„I don't know a damn thing, emergency contact my ass. I needed to tell them that I'm looking for my _wife_ Dr. Specter to get here. She's responsible for Donna."

„Wait, if she is responsible does that mean she is right in there and the first person to be seen when Donna wakes up?" Samantha asked.

„Samantha, Kate has a medical degree from Harvard. She knows that she shouldn't be in there, so no, Lauren is in there." Harvey couldn't help himself but defend her.

„So you are on first name terms with all the surgeons here?" Samantha snapped.

„No, I'm not. I know her from the time when Kate was an intern and accidentally she is still working here, _I'm sorry_." he fired back, his hands balled into fists. He really didn't need this conversation now.

„I already called Mike and Jessica. They both said they're taking the next plane." Louis said to evade the uncomfortable silence that fell over the group.

„Hey, am I interrupting?" a voice echoed from behind. While the other's turned around questioning who it could be Harvey didn't even need to look up to know that it's Kate. He would recognize her voice out of millions.

„No, but could you please just tell us how she is?" Samantha said when she noticed it was the female Specter.

„She was stable and the EKG and the echo were okay. She should be awake right now." Kate responded sanguinely.

„Can you go and check on her?" Harvey asked urgently, almost pleading.

„I don't know how much she remembers, but definitely not as long as I'm wearing this." she pointed to the white hospital tunic she was wearing where her name and title were embroidered because the hospital already had some clothes ready for her, hoping she would take the job offer here.

 _Dr. Kate Specter M.D. F.A.C.S, Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery_

In that moment the Chief of Surgery crossed the hallway noticing Kate standing next to the group of impatiently waiting relatives.

„Specter." He shouted from the opposite side of the hallway. Harvey stood up immediately taking a few steps towards the doctor begging he had news about Donna's state.

„The other Specter." he waved him of while recognizing that it wasn't the person he wanted to talk to.

Kate passed Harvey and started leaving the group with an apologetic smile.

„Cardio council in the ER." he announced.

It was then that Lauren came out of the room being greeted with Harvey's hopeful expression.

„How is she?" he asked immediately.

„She's doing fine, really. A little bit tired because of the drugs, but stable blood circulation and normal heartbeat. I think she knows where she is but barely what happened." Lauren remarked sincerely.

„I want to see her." And there it was. Lauren knew it was coming and she really had no idea how to tell Harvey there is no way he can go in there because Donna said she doesn't want to see anyone.

„Unfortunately, that won't be possible."

„Wait, what?" he almost screamed.

„She doesn't want to see anyone and to respect the patients wish I'm not allowed to let you in there."

„Lauren..."

„I'm sorry Harvey, but it's Dr. Melville under these circumstances and like I said, I can't do anything about it"

„No. I'm going through that door whether I have permission or not. Call security if you want to." he snapped and started walking towards the door of Donna's room.

„Harvey!" his colleagues screamed in sync.

He stormed into the room to walk in on a scenario he didn't expect. She lay there, facing the window, not even noticing that he's there. The auburn waves spread over the plain hospital pillow, a little grey thing on her finger connecting her to a monitor where he could see her heartbeat rate. Hearing the steady beeping made him release a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

She sensed his presence without even knowing who came into the room. He stood there for about 20 sec without saying anything until-

„Donna, I..." he breathed.

It wasn't in her to look at him so she continued starring straight ahead before she spoke. „Leave me. The hell. Alone."

He blinked a few times to proceed what she just said. She really didn't want anyone to see her. She didn't want _him_ to see her. _To comfort her_. _To be there for her_.

He always respected her as the woman she is and would always support her decisions and her wishes but now is not the time for something like this. Not when it's about something _he caused_. Because truth to be told _it's his fault_. Not Kate's, not anyone's. _He_ decided to keep his marriage as a secret. He had the stupid imagination of no one ever finding out. And Imagination of no one ever caring about his past. And with that _he_ caused mental health issues to the only person that truly matters to him. He made the mistake of letting that happen thirteen years ago with not telling her. And he won't make the mistake of letting her go through this alone right now. Whether she wants him to or not.

„No. You made me _love you_ , you made me _let you in_ and now you're slipping through my fingers without ever knowing _what you mean to me_. " he screamed before feeling overwhelmed by the way he just spoke to her and stormed out of the room.


End file.
